It's going to be great when you look back at your photos in 40 years and find one million trashy photos of you, taken by yourself in the bathroom mirror of a bar restroom. I mean, what more could a girl want in the background to compliment her beauty than a giant piece of porcelain that has been shit into, pissed into and vomited into by hordes of strangers? And nothing makes you look more cool than NOT having one additional person in your life that can take your picture for you. Here's a hint, if nobody else thinks you're interesting enough to spend 5 seconds taking a photo of you, chances are nobody is going to think you're very interesting after being forced to look at you photographing yourself. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to give a flying fuck... well, you know the rest.
2. Writing Stupid Open Letters To Inanimate Places And Things
Dear Starbucks,
Please stop making your triple mocha latte so delicious. All this caffeine hurts my asshole and my bank account.
Your friend...
Dear Monday,
Ugh you suck so bad. Plz go awak k thx bai.
Sincerely...
When did it become cool to write fake letters to things that can't even read or receive mail? Do you people really need to express the stupidest of thoughts into fucking letter-form?
Dear Philadelphia Eagles,
Just quit now, fire Andy Reid and get new coordinators. This is bullshit!
Your friend...
Dear Kahlua and Cream,
I love you so. You treat me so right.
Regards...
3. Posting Stupid Pictures Of Food That Looks Barely Edible
What's the one thing that's more pointless and annoying than someone posting what they're eating on social media? People taking pictures of their stupid food. Are you trying to make starving people jealous of the fact that someone cooked you a home-made grilled cheese? I understand that picture counts and limited rolls of film no longer exist, but could you possibly waste a photo on something more retarted? Why do I not see people Instagramming pictures of their poop? I mean it's the same damn thing, isn't it? It's just your food in an advanced stage of nobody giving a shit. Oh wow, your girlfriend made you french toast or mac & fucking cheese? TAKE A PICTURE, YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS MICROWAVABLE MEAL MOMENT BACK... EVER!
4. Posting Stupid Pictures With Other People's Babies
Unless you're related in some close way to someone's newborn piss-and-shit factory, you have no reason to be showing off someone else's hard work to your social media friends. Here's an idea, why dont you take a picture of yourself behind an over-sized drum kit and pretend you play for the band Rush? Or maybe I can walk through the parking lot of the mall and take my picture next to a flashy, expensive car and pretend it belongs to me? That'd be just as genuine as photographing yourself pretending to be motherly/fatherly by holding someone else's child. Women are usually the majority violators on this one. Ladies, if you enjoy people redundantly commenting "aww thats so cute, so so so precious and beautiful!", then go get pregnant and HAVE YOUR OWN CHILD!
5. Quoting Stupid Country Music Songs Right After A Breakup To Show How You're Totally Moving On
<3 <3 Weeeee... are never ever ever... getting back together! .... Like, everrrrrrr! <3 <3
This girl is movin onnnnnn... I ain't settlin'!
"God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you..."
Want to know what would convince me that a girl is strong-hearted and has her shit together? If she didn't listen to country music and didn't repeatedly fall in love with scumbags! With all the depth and knowledge you classy ladies have procured from country music lyrics, I'm sure now there is NO chance of you ever making the same mistake again. Country music doesn't speak to the heart and soul, it speaks to the pea-sized brains it's suburban female listeners whose boyfriends end up in a shirtless chase through a trailer park on an episode of Cops.
"All my ex's are in Texas... yee haww!"
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