Dressing Animals In Outfits
If you are a black person who dresses their dog or cat up as such, i apologize; for You, my good friend, have adopted one of the most damnable of 'white people' ways. It's frightening to think that there are children in some countries without clothing (that is, factory-made/store-bought clothing), but there are rich girls pimping their dogs out and carrying them in pricey purses. Most dogs and cats, in their lifetime, will struggle to master the concept of which place is the correct place to urinate/defacate and whether or not to eat it when finished... do you really need a diamond-studded collar and designer clothing for a four-legged piss-and-shit factory? If God wanted my Boston Terrier to wear a shirt and boots, he wouldn't have given him fur and padded-feet with fucking claws.
The Electric Slide
This song and dance is neither electrical, nor does it contain any manner of sliding in it. What were we thinking with this one, White people? The Electric Slide is like a police field-sobriety test with a shitty 80's song behind it. And they even made a second Electric Slide! The only fun part about being forced to do this in school Phys Ed was trying to knock the unhappy kid next to you down. I may be white... and not particularly good at dancing, but no song bosses me around, God damn it! I'll make up my OWN embarassing dance moves, thank you very much. Walking sideways, clapping a few times and rocking back and forth doesn't constitute a 'dance' in my book.
Carriage Rides Through Urban Areas
I know what you're thinking when it comes to transportation; why own a convenient means such as a car, truck or motorcycle when you could have a means that travels 5 miles an hour through the crowded streets of the city, holding up traffic and pedestrians during all hours of the day? Who needs a radio and climate control when you could have an open-topped carriage pulled unwillingly by a beast (who probably wishes it was dead or free) that occasionally takes a 15-pound shit in a bag that hangs a few meters from your nostrils? Okay that will do it for the sarcasm portion of this one. Look... White people already have enough opportunities in each day to make asses out of themselves - is it absolutely necessary to be courted around the busy city in a fucking Horse & Buggy in front of all the frantic people whose schedule for the day does NOT include a fairytale with horsies and picnics? Even as a passenger it seems stupid to do this. I mean why not just take a carriage ride somewhere that's actually romantic? A place maybe with scenery not consisting entirely of concrete and less automobile fumes and less constant, erratic noise and less homeless people willing to stab you for your valuables? But that's just me, I guess.
The Keytar
Somewhere along the course of Rock history, there was a feeble attempt made at trying to make a keyboard player look exciting, instead of just standing in one place while playing. Like most of what went dreadfully wrong with Rock and Roll music, this abomination occured during the 1980's. And it was called the KEYTAR. As a person who has played a variety of instruments on stage I can honestly tell you that there is NO way to make a keyboard player look bad-ass. The only way a keyboard player to kick-ass is to BE a kick ass keyboard player! The Keytar has been out of production since the early 90s, which would be my guess as to why every Keytar still in existence is usually neon pink or some other tastless shade of the 1980s. All Keytars have a handful of settings and all of them generally sound like fucking shit. With that being said - Keytar is definetely the least sucky of the five on this list.
Vajazzling
Normally, I'm not opposed to anything Jennifer Love Hewitt does to her nether-regions, but putting jewels and diamonds down THERE is just fucking stupid. Unless a big corporation is renting that space out for good money, what's the point? Bedazzling hats and backpacks never became wholly popular... and to be fair, you can only up-sell a vagina to a certain point. A man doesn't need jewels or decorations - he just needs a VAGINA! I mean, I could understand having your Taint plated in Bronze... but not this. No.
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