Video Game Gripes - part 1 - Dark Souls

"Jesus H. Christ... who trains a Wolf to do that?"

I know I've complained a lot over the years that video games have become watered-down and easy to beat, but Dark Souls is just wrong. I don't have a problem challenging myself but I can't help but feel as though this game (and the bastards who conceived it) isn't just laughing at the dead, frustrated players; they're raping our corpses... and peeing on us! Laughing all the way! Below is a short summary of things that are way out of line with Dark Souls. God damn this game for ever falling into my Xbox tray.

Gripe #1 - Tooltips From Hell

Not only is this game designed to ruin your life, but the meager amount of online playability for some reason allows other players to leave "tooltips" for other players in other games. At first, the tooltips (one would think) are something created within the game. There are messages telling the player how to cast magic, use their weapons, use items, warning against enemies ahead, etc etc. After the player reaches the "main" area of the game, there is a tooltip found on the edge of a cliff that suggests "Try Jumping!" All right, maybe there's a bonus or a dragon will swoop down and grab me in mid air? It wasn't until after aimlessly flinging my character to her death for a solid 30-40 minutes I figured out that some prick left a dick message... there was no bonuses or achievements for killing my character over and over. Someone thought it would be funny to mislead new players into killing themselves repeatedly. Sadly, in hindsight, I can't really disagree that it IS pretty funny. But still... What a shitload of bullshit!

Gripe #2 - The First Level

5 Minutes into the game, the player encounters a giant monster that kills the player in one hit. Why give the player a chance to get a feel for the game? Yeah let's just crush their spirit and make them feel pathetic right off the bat. Of course there's no fucking tooltip that tells you that you're actually supposed to sprint past the giant, find a little hole in the wall, climb a bunch of steps and FALL ON TOP of the bastard's head. Again, I'm not complaining about the fact that this boss took a little figuring out to do... but 5 fucking minutes into the game? Come on!! He is the size of the entire TV screen and he just smashes you in one hit!!

 

 

Gripe #3 - Create Your Character

I think ultimately, this is my favorite gripe and essentially, this is the first punch to the balls this game will give you for no reason. Like a lot of adventure/character building games, Dark Souls begins with the creation of your character. Sex, Skin Color, Hair Color and Style, Height, Weight, etc. So then you begin the game as... a zombified version of yourself? I just wasted all that fucking time designing a character and this game just started me out as a completely different one altogether? Yeah, you have to collect 'Humanity' tokens from things you kill. After you use 2 or 3 of them, your character becomes mortal (and looks like the character YOU designed!). However, becoming mortal allows other players to invade your world and kill you... so there's really no reason to become human. Oh also, If you die... you go back to zombie form again. Super.

I'm sure more gripes will come as I absorb this game with time.