5 Terms For New Parents To Learn

 

Parenting is no easy task. And let's face it; kids are dumb as shit. There are tons of useless things your friends and family will give new and expecting parents as advice. This article is basically just the same thing, yeah.

 

 

1. "THE SUBURBAN MINEFIELD"

 

After Christmas or first birthday parties, your home will likely be transformed into a small mountain of noisy devices. No infant is going to clean up their own toys... and why should we? These kids today are spoiled... just plain spoiled. Inevitably on one evening or another you will find yourself walking through said toy-infested room in the dark; tiptoeing blindly (and sometimes after drinking) around a minefield of toys that will light up and play loud music and wake up your sleeping baby.You never have the chance to turn every toy off and why should you? Spoiled ass kids.

 

2. "THE WOUNDED WARRIOR"

 

You just pulled in your driveway after a hard day's work. It is hot or pouring rain or freezing cold outside. You need your one hand for your keys to open your front door. You need to get a 30 pack of beer and a small human child into the house. You will only be able to make ONE trip from car to house. Therefor you clumsily carry and large case of beer as well as a 20-30 pound child in one arm, somewhat resembling the weight of helping a wounded soldier hobble safely from the battlefield.

 

3. "JIU-SHITSU"

 

After unfastening a particularly foul diaper your child decides it's time for hammer kicks and breakdancing. Jiu-Shitsu is the art of containing the arms and legs of the squirming little bastard while allowing yourself to wipe ass and dispose of the shitty diaper without injuring the opponent with punches and kicks.

 

4. "THE JEWEL THIEF"

 

Laying a sleeping child down into a crib is a lot like the combined experiences of Bomb Diffusing and the board game Operation. You tiptoe into the nursery, succeeding wonderfully in stepping on only the creakiest spots on the floor. Uh oh, they're starting to wake up because they touched the side of their crib putting them down to sleep, you dumbass. Now you move as frantically but quietly out of the Nursery before that shit-filled time bomb realizes you abandoned them in the darkness and tiptoed madly into the night.

 

5. "THE DOG YISPERER"

 

Dogs; they're the greatest addition to a man's life one could ever ask for. Except when you have small children, in which case they become more and more attractive to toss on the BBQ. You just put your angry, teething monster down after a 90 minute battle with Bed time. Someone slams a car door two houses down and your damn dog starts howling like Hitler just punched through your roof. Your initial instinct is to scream at the dog, but that's not going to help the situation. You are forced to do a combination Yell/Whisper (Yisper), furiously trying to shut the attention-starved fleabag up before your sleeping child wakes up screaming.