Fake Drawers
I cant really decide if this one is tacky or just hilarious. I could see installing a non-functioning drawer if you ran out of supplies or something, but to knowingly put one in blows my mind. Hey grab me a fork, please... no not out of that drawer, oh not that one either because it's fake, gotcha!! *drumroll*
The Forbidden Room That Never Gets Used
You ever buy a new pair of shoes or a set of new tires that looked so good, you never used them? Yeah me either. My family had a room like this - with couches too nice to ever sit on, rugs that were off-limit to all pets and most children, a piano that never got played, the whole nine yards. What kind of idiots like a room so much that they're terrified to use it? As a homeowner, I'm determined to make full use of every room in my house (unless it means having children, that is).
A Water Fountain For Your Ass
You clearly have too much time and money on your hands (or an identity crisis), when the simple act of wiping your own ass becomes beneath you. How much thought does one need to put into cleaning up after taking a shit? Is someone going to toss your salad directly after your done shitting? Sure, there's always a moment in poo-time here and there when a moist tissue/towell are needed (usually after Denny's). But there has never been a time in my life when I said to myself, "Fuck this, my greatness is being sullied by this ass-wiping business. I demand a device that fires a stream of cold water directly into my asshole and has double the potential of soaking me in my own feces!"
Outdated Stereo Equipment From The Mid 80's
Why attatch your sense of pride to something as efficient as a laptop or a smart-phone when you can instead have a painfully obselete stereo that takes up half the room? Seriously, when are you ever going to put on an LP (for all you kids, those are the big black records that rappers scratch with)? Why bother with the ease and quality of digital songs and libraries when there is the joy of fast forwarding and giant records with pops and clicks and hissing sounds? Holding on to old stereos is the dormant form of Hoarding, beware!
Trampolines
Could you imagine if people in the Ghetto used trampolines? Trampolines would cause more deaths than guns and crack combined. There were at least 5 or 6 trampolines in my home town (that I was allowed to use)... and there were ALOT of injuries tied to those trampolines. I'd love to meet the first parent who decided to buy their family a trampoline. "Sure sure...Having a pool is pretty dangerous, yes. But I think I'll up the ante by buying a device that rockets my children two stories into the air. And to make it more safe, I'll make the fucking thing large enough to fit at least 6 of his/her friends on there simulataneously so they ALL can do it! SAFE!"
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