Incase you didnt notice during the 80's and 90's; Nintendo mastered the art of whipping up a crummy half-wit game, slapping a popular selling movie logo on the game and inevitably... torturing white suburb kids into write angry blogs in their 30's.... Well let't get right to it!
Keep in mind, this is not a list of the WORST NES Movie-Games. Just the most poorly represented.
Back To The Future
Game elements actually from Movie: The title screen, the
occasional flying skateboard and the last level where you fly the time-machine
car.
First off, why is Marty McFly basically a clone of Little
Mac from Mike Tyson’s Punch out? Good start to a shitty game. I remember
playing this game as a kid and immediately saying to myself “Wow, this game is
practically like watching the Back to The Future movies. There’s Marty running
aimlessly through the streets in a muscle shirt, with his only weapon; his
trusty bowling ball…? Woah! Now there goes Marty dodging oil slicks, getting
attacked by birds and dangerous hula-hooping girls. And holy shit… there’s that
one scene from the film where Marty is behind the bar in the Malt Shop throwing
Milkshakes at oncoming people…? This is rad!”
As far as playability and controls go, this game isn’t
terrible as Top Gun or Ghostbusters. That being said, the soundtrack is fucking
painful to withstand and there’s really no reason to ever play this game. Ever.
Rating: 2/5 Biffs
Predator
Game elements actually from Movie: Scorpions, crude cut
scene of Arnold finding skinned bodies (nice), an emaciated Predator and Dutch
(Arnold).
Every game on this list is bad, don’t get me wrong. But this
one they took WAY overboard. There’s actually an option to pause the game, hit
any button on your controller and kill yourself… that’s how much hope the
designers and programmers had for how fun this game would be for the players. I’m guessing the Japanese people who made this
game probably never saw this movie… or even bothered to figure out what this
movie was about. Our shitty adventure
begins with a purple-colored Arnold running unarmed through the 8-bit jungle,
which for some reason is littered conveniently with Grenades, Lasers and
Machine Guns. Pretty accurate so far? Fret not; this game stays right on-point
with the film, scene for scene. That scene where Arnold fights pink ghosts and
giant, floating bacteria is included. And the awesome scene where Arnold has to
shoot all those evil blue bubbles is in the game, thank God! The game designers did a great job
representing how badass Predator was; he stumbles back and forth, doing front
flips and making an elephant sound(?) whenever he gets struck. Arnold can
pretty much destroy the Predator with his bare fucking hands, just like in the
movie. In the “Big Mode” level, Predator
just floats in the air and lets you shoot him to death. And the game completely
captured the excitement of the ending battle. You know which one I mean…the one
where Arnold faces off with all his weapons against a giant floating Predator
head.
The controls aren’t terrible, but the levels are just plain
shitty to navigate, so the controls might as well be terrible. The only thing
about this game that is enjoyable is the soundtrack. It sounds trivial but
having 3 or 4 game songs is SO much nicer than having the same 5 second tune
repeating itself like in Friday The 13th and Back to the Future.
Rating: 3/5 Macks
Superman
Game elements actually from the Movie: None.
This is by far the absolute worst game on this list. Holy
shit this game SUCKS. First and foremost, you can’t even fly. Second, bullets
hurt you – GREAT IDEAS SO FAR! Wow, this game really captures the essence of
Superman. I mean I could see fucking up the Predator game by not seeing the
film. But what dark crevice of the globe contains people who don’t know
anything about Superman? And remember in
the one Superman movie when Superman wasn’t able to get into the Subway because
he didn’t get a subway pass? And all those awesome scenes fighting 1940’s style
Mobsters in the sewer? Yeah and those green, robed aliens and half naked
muscle-men that constantly try to run directly into Superman is just like in
the comics. Why isn’t Superman able to kick anyone’s ass? It’s just like the in
Atari game, where Superman is unable to get to Lex Luther because Lex destroys
a bridge. Why would Superman use a bridge? Your pain and suffering experienced
while playing Superman for NES is coupled with one of the most painful fucking
game soundtracks ever. Yes, they didn’t even include the Superman music. This
pile of super shit sounds like the soundtrack was written by a deaf person… and
the game looks like it was animated by a blind person. Bad. Just BAD.
Rating: 1/5 Zods
Top Gun
Game elements actually from Movie: An airplane.
For some reason it seemed as though every one of my friends
owned this piece of shit game. This game is one of the first game with Inverted
Controls that I can recall (a game where Up is Down, Left is Right, etc). Now I
suppose the game company was trying to make it seem like you were actually
flying a plane or whatever, but the problem is there are parts in this game
that are so impossibly hard… your chances of accomplishing them with normal
damn controls would be impossible anyhow! Of all the times I’ve played this
game over the years, I’ve probably landed the plane at the end of the level 10%
of the time AT BEST. The flying portion of the game is kind of like being dead;
you fly aimlessly into a blue abyss, with the occasional white spot of cloud
passing by you. This is kind of ironic, since I wished someone would have
killed me while I was playing this game as a child.
Rating:
1/5 Lovin' Feelings
Rambo
Game elements actually from Movie: Rambo, his superior
office and the Jungle.
I know Rambo is ridiculously bad-ass in the movies, but did
you know he’s SO badass that he can run shirtless through the jungle aimlessly
karate-chopping snakes in the fucking face?! Not just that… but apparently he’s
um… able to kill a giant helicopter with just a knife? Okay…? I remember playing
this as a kid; oh the hours aimlessly wandering around killing jungle
creatures, never getting to fight actual humans – which is basically 100% of
what Rambo did in every scene of every one of the films. To be fair, this game
wasn’t a total catastrophe, the game company just didn’t feel like putting
anything interesting into this game. They figured – hey, it’s Rambo. People
will buy it, who cares if it’s a pile of 8-bit assbarf?
2/5 Murdocks
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