"Jesus H. Christ... who trains a Wolf to do that?"
I know I've complained a lot over the years that video games have become watered-down and easy to beat, but Dark Souls is just wrong. I don't have a problem challenging myself but I can't help but feel as though this game (and the bastards who conceived it) isn't just laughing at the dead, frustrated players; they're raping our corpses... and peeing on us! Laughing all the way! Below is a short summary of things that are way out of line with Dark Souls. God damn this game for ever falling into my Xbox tray.
Gripe #1 - Tooltips From Hell
Not only is this game designed to ruin your life, but the meager amount of online playability for some reason allows other players to leave "tooltips" for other players in other games. At first, the tooltips (one would think) are something created within the game. There are messages telling the player how to cast magic, use their weapons, use items, warning against enemies ahead, etc etc. After the player reaches the "main" area of the game, there is a tooltip found on the edge of a cliff that suggests "Try Jumping!" All right, maybe there's a bonus or a dragon will swoop down and grab me in mid air? It wasn't until after aimlessly flinging my character to her death for a solid 30-40 minutes I figured out that some prick left a dick message... there was no bonuses or achievements for killing my character over and over. Someone thought it would be funny to mislead new players into killing themselves repeatedly. Sadly, in hindsight, I can't really disagree that it IS pretty funny. But still... What a shitload of bullshit!
Gripe #2 - The First Level
5 Minutes into the game, the player encounters a giant monster that kills the player in one hit. Why give the player a chance to get a feel for the game? Yeah let's just crush their spirit and make them feel pathetic right off the bat. Of course there's no fucking tooltip that tells you that you're actually supposed to sprint past the giant, find a little hole in the wall, climb a bunch of steps and FALL ON TOP of the bastard's head. Again, I'm not complaining about the fact that this boss took a little figuring out to do... but 5 fucking minutes into the game? Come on!! He is the size of the entire TV screen and he just smashes you in one hit!!
Gripe #3 - Create Your Character
I think ultimately, this is my favorite gripe and essentially, this is the first punch to the balls this game will give you for no reason. Like a lot of adventure/character building games, Dark Souls begins with the creation of your character. Sex, Skin Color, Hair Color and Style, Height, Weight, etc. So then you begin the game as... a zombified version of yourself? I just wasted all that fucking time designing a character and this game just started me out as a completely different one altogether? Yeah, you have to collect 'Humanity' tokens from things you kill. After you use 2 or 3 of them, your character becomes mortal (and looks like the character YOU designed!). However, becoming mortal allows other players to invade your world and kill you... so there's really no reason to become human. Oh also, If you die... you go back to zombie form again. Super.
I'm sure more gripes will come as I absorb this game with time.
2. MODOK - Mental Organism Designed Only For Killing
Why they put this guy in Marvel vs Capcom 3 I will never know. What a dumb ass character. I didn't think you designed him to make fucking breakfast.
3. Stilt Man (Daredevil)
Yes, a guy on stilts. A remote control car or even a nice gust of wind could mean the demise of this great villain.
4. The Bush Master (Captain America)
The lower half of his body is a snake. Perverts.
5. Champion of the Universe
No specific powers... except the power of every power ever. Ever.
6. Doctor Bong
His head is a bell and so are both of his hands. This guy can't even ride a fucking bike. Why did they give you a cape?
7. The Gardener (Marvel Team Up)
Not only is this guy powerless... but he's old and he never showers. Hey let's get that guy for our super hero team.
8. Infectia (X-Factor)
A girl who infects her victims with a kiss. She's basically a girl from Jersey with a face full of STD's.
9. The Living Mummy (Nick Fury and His Howling Commandos)
Has all the same powers as the Non-Living Mummy, who incidentally has no powers at all. Why the hell did Nick Fury have to fight the Mummy? Is his team the Monster Squad?
10. The Super Apes (Spider Man)
It is amazing how much tasteless crap came out of the Spider Man franchise - including 3 out of the 4 motion pictures. Spider Man can take on Venom and Green Goblin. But why make him do THAT in a comic? Lets make him fight a bunch of apes on steroids. Horray. My Spider-boredom is tingly,
Naked guy's ass in public shower? - from River City Ransom
Japanese game designers sure know how to always give the American kids what they want in a game; lots of fighting and kicking ass and... 8-bit Man-Ass? What the hell...? I mean, what kind of guy walks around beating the shit out of street thugs, stealing their coins... and then goes and pays to get naked in a public shower? There's tons of places in the game where you can just buy food and vitamins and stuff like that. What young kid wants to pick the one option to restore Health that makes him stare at naked dude ass?
Hitler's head explodes- from Bionic Commando
It's pretty hard not to enjoy this scene actually.. unless you're a neo-nazi. Bionic Commando was a pretty traditional game so to speak, but man did they crank up the fucking Weird at the end of the game. Hitler's head freaking exploding!
President of USA tells military veterans to Go To Hell - from Operation Wolf
As if a military veteran failing his mission wasn't already bad enough.... damn! No trial or anything like that. The US Govt. straight up tells the soldiers to not even come home. I wish I could tell my dog that everytime he does something outside that I dislike.
Giant dead spider boss... who is already dead
- from Monster Party
Making the first boss the easiest is generally a thing found in every game ever made, save just the NES ones. Monster Party went all-in on this one though, the first boss does himself in ahead of time enough to draw flies... but still maintains the capability to inform the player that he is in fact - dead.
Couple has sex in a graveyard, then Satan steals girl - from Ghosts & Goblins
There's not alot of ways you can slice this one to make it NOT look like what it really IS. He's naked, she's dressed. There was no time to take off the wedding dress or find a place to consummate the marriage other than a surface 6-feet above rows of dead people. Oh... then Satan appears and takes her away... sure, why the fuck not?
Incase you didnt notice during the 80's and 90's; Nintendo mastered the art of whipping up a crummy half-wit game, slapping a popular selling movie logo on the game and inevitably... torturing white suburb kids into write angry blogs in their 30's.... Well let't get right to it!
Keep in mind, this is not a list of the WORST NES Movie-Games. Just the most poorly represented.
Back To The Future
Game elements actually from Movie: The title screen, the
occasional flying skateboard and the last level where you fly the time-machine
car.
First off, why is Marty McFly basically a clone of Little
Mac from Mike Tyson’s Punch out? Good start to a shitty game. I remember
playing this game as a kid and immediately saying to myself “Wow, this game is
practically like watching the Back to The Future movies. There’s Marty running
aimlessly through the streets in a muscle shirt, with his only weapon; his
trusty bowling ball…? Woah! Now there goes Marty dodging oil slicks, getting
attacked by birds and dangerous hula-hooping girls. And holy shit… there’s that
one scene from the film where Marty is behind the bar in the Malt Shop throwing
Milkshakes at oncoming people…? This is rad!”
As far as playability and controls go, this game isn’t
terrible as Top Gun or Ghostbusters. That being said, the soundtrack is fucking
painful to withstand and there’s really no reason to ever play this game. Ever.
Rating: 2/5 Biffs
Predator
Game elements actually from Movie: Scorpions, crude cut
scene of Arnold finding skinned bodies (nice), an emaciated Predator and Dutch
(Arnold).
Every game on this list is bad, don’t get me wrong. But this
one they took WAY overboard. There’s actually an option to pause the game, hit
any button on your controller and kill yourself… that’s how much hope the
designers and programmers had for how fun this game would be for the players. I’m guessing the Japanese people who made this
game probably never saw this movie… or even bothered to figure out what this
movie was about.Our shitty adventure
begins with a purple-colored Arnold running unarmed through the 8-bit jungle,
which for some reason is littered conveniently with Grenades, Lasers and
Machine Guns. Pretty accurate so far? Fret not; this game stays right on-point
with the film, scene for scene. That scene where Arnold fights pink ghosts and
giant, floating bacteria is included. And the awesome scene where Arnold has to
shoot all those evil blue bubbles is in the game, thank God! The game designers did a great job
representing how badass Predator was; he stumbles back and forth, doing front
flips and making an elephant sound(?) whenever he gets struck. Arnold can
pretty much destroy the Predator with his bare fucking hands, just like in the
movie. In the “Big Mode” level, Predator
just floats in the air and lets you shoot him to death. And the game completely
captured the excitement of the ending battle. You know which one I mean…the one
where Arnold faces off with all his weapons against a giant floating Predator
head.
The controls aren’t terrible, but the levels are just plain
shitty to navigate, so the controls might as well be terrible. The only thing
about this game that is enjoyable is the soundtrack. It sounds trivial but
having 3 or 4 game songs is SO much nicer than having the same 5 second tune
repeating itself like in Friday The 13th and Back to the Future.
Rating: 3/5 Macks
Superman
Game elements actually from the Movie: None.
This is by far the absolute worst game on this list. Holy
shit this game SUCKS. First and foremost, you can’t even fly. Second, bullets
hurt you – GREAT IDEAS SO FAR! Wow, this game really captures the essence of
Superman. I mean I could see fucking up the Predator game by not seeing the
film. But what dark crevice of the globe contains people who don’t know
anything about Superman?And remember in
the one Superman movie when Superman wasn’t able to get into the Subway because
he didn’t get a subway pass? And all those awesome scenes fighting 1940’s style
Mobsters in the sewer? Yeah and those green, robed aliens and half naked
muscle-men that constantly try to run directly into Superman is just like in
the comics. Why isn’t Superman able to kick anyone’s ass? It’s just like the in
Atari game, where Superman is unable to get to Lex Luther because Lex destroys
a bridge. Why would Superman use a bridge? Your pain and suffering experienced
while playing Superman for NES is coupled with one of the most painful fucking
game soundtracks ever. Yes, they didn’t even include the Superman music. This
pile of super shit sounds like the soundtrack was written by a deaf person… and
the game looks like it was animated by a blind person. Bad. Just BAD.
Rating: 1/5 Zods
Top Gun
Game elements actually from Movie: An airplane.
For some reason it seemed as though every one of my friends
owned this piece of shit game. This game is one of the first game with Inverted
Controls that I can recall (a game where Up is Down, Left is Right, etc). Now I
suppose the game company was trying to make it seem like you were actually
flying a plane or whatever, but the problem is there are parts in this game
that are so impossibly hard… your chances of accomplishing them with normal
damn controls would be impossible anyhow! Of all the times I’ve played this
game over the years, I’ve probably landed the plane at the end of the level 10%
of the time AT BEST. The flying portion of the game is kind of like being dead;
you fly aimlessly into a blue abyss, with the occasional white spot of cloud
passing by you. This is kind of ironic, since I wished someone would have
killed me while I was playing this game as a child.
Rating:
1/5 Lovin' Feelings
Rambo
Game elements actually from Movie: Rambo, his superior
office and the Jungle.
I know Rambo is ridiculously bad-ass in the movies, but did
you know he’s SO badass that he can run shirtless through the jungle aimlessly
karate-chopping snakes in the fucking face?! Not just that… but apparently he’s
um… able to kill a giant helicopter with just a knife? Okay…? I remember playing
this as a kid; oh the hours aimlessly wandering around killing jungle
creatures, never getting to fight actual humans – which is basically 100% of
what Rambo did in every scene of every one of the films. To be fair, this game
wasn’t a total catastrophe, the game company just didn’t feel like putting
anything interesting into this game. They figured – hey, it’s Rambo. People
will buy it, who cares if it’s a pile of 8-bit assbarf?
When I first starting playing this game hardcore, Cliff Racers made me
temporarily phobic of anything in the sky that was larger than a pigeon. These
annoying enemies attack the traveling player constantly on his journey. Cliff
Racers always seem to come at the worst time and always manage to sneak up on
you ! To a low level character, especially a new player, these attacks can be
devastating. Many of them carry debilitating diseases that force the player to
drop everything in their inventory, hoof it back to town, get a cure, then hoof
it BACK to your dropped gear… and this is one of those games where you can’t
mark the map where you dropped your stuff. Often times, Cliff Racers hunt in
packs of 2 or more and still manage to relentlessly attack the player at
impossibly high levels. Seriously where are these things breeding and why are
they so fucking angry?
2. Grim Reaper from Castlevania (NES)
I like the Castlevania version of Dracula – he’s so fucking badass that
DEATH HIMSELF takes orders from him. The Reaper from Castlevania 1 may easily
be the hardest 8-bit boss of all time. Little scythes spawn in the air and
attack Simon Belmont from every angle. This boss is so unfair, if you do manage
to beat him… killing Dracula will seem like fighting a crippled infant. There’s
no actual strategy to beating the Grim Reaper… shit just appears all around you
while you try and whip Death’s fucking ass as he flies around. You just have to
get lucky… REALLY lucky. Hardest NES boss hands-down.
3. Ghost-Windsock-Monster from Ghosts & Goblins
This game is one of the most challenging games of all time; both in the
arcade as well as the console spectrums. And while there are far more fucked up
and unfair monsters in this game, the Ghost-Socks are the only monster that
emits a sound; which is a taunting, high-pitched noise that CONSTANTLY GOES OFF
while the bastards are alive.. It flies back and forth, dropping Ghost shit
from above (and you cannot shoot upwards in this game by the way)… half of the
time they are totally out of reach and the player is forced to navigate around
the bullets with this game’s stiff ass, sluggish controls.
4. "Watch My Dance" Zombies from Monster Party (NES)
They don’t do shit like this in a lot of NES games.. and thank God. This
boss simply requires the player to NOT hit the enemies… and just sit there and
fucking wait. Can you imagine some kid today logging on to play some shooter on
Xbox live that requires you to not shoot or move to get the best score? I’ve
fought this annoying boss quite a few times since 1st grade, and I
never could decipher a total amount of time this boss takes to… dance itself to
death. Some times it seemed like it took a minute, other seemed like 10
minutes. Either way, a boss that requires a kid to just sit there and wait is
plain fucked up.
5. The Evil Mailbox from ToeJam & Earl (Sega Genesis)
There are a lot of ridiculous enemies in this Sega classic, but not are as
cruel as the evil Mailbox. I haven’t used a mailbox since I played this game,
nor do I plan on using one in the future (because of this game). Most enemies
you can avoid one way or the other, but you HAVE to use the mailbox at certain
times in TJ & E. And sometimes… the fucking thing attacks you, runs you
down and ends up killing you! Monsters are one thing, but monsters on a
government salary is quite another!
I cant really decide if this one is tacky or just hilarious. I could see installing a non-functioning drawer if you ran out of supplies or something, but to knowingly put one in blows my mind. Hey grab me a fork, please... no not out of that drawer, oh not that one either because it's fake, gotcha!! *drumroll*
The Forbidden Room That Never Gets Used
You ever buy a new pair of shoes or a set of new tires that looked so good, you never used them? Yeah me either. My family had a room like this - with couches too nice to ever sit on, rugs that were off-limit to all pets and most children, a piano that never got played, the whole nine yards. What kind of idiots like a room so much that they're terrified to use it? As a homeowner, I'm determined to make full use of every room in my house (unless it means having children, that is).
A Water Fountain For Your Ass
You clearly have too much time and money on your hands (or an identity crisis), when the simple act of wiping your own ass becomes beneath you. How much thought does one need to put into cleaning up after taking a shit? Is someone going to toss your salad directly after your done shitting? Sure, there's always a moment in poo-time here and there when a moist tissue/towell are needed (usually after Denny's). But there has never been a time in my life when I said to myself, "Fuck this, my greatness is being sullied by this ass-wiping business. I demand a device that fires a stream of cold water directly into my asshole and has double the potential of soaking me in my own feces!"
Outdated Stereo Equipment From The Mid 80's
Why attatch your sense of pride to something as efficient as a laptop or a smart-phone when you can instead have a painfully obselete stereo that takes up half the room? Seriously, when are you ever going to put on an LP (for all you kids, those are the big black records that rappers scratch with)? Why bother with the ease and quality of digital songs and libraries when there is the joy of fast forwarding and giant records with pops and clicks and hissing sounds? Holding on to old stereos is the dormant form of Hoarding, beware!
Trampolines
Could you imagine if people in the Ghetto used trampolines? Trampolines would cause more deaths than guns and crack combined. There were at least 5 or 6 trampolines in my home town (that I was allowed to use)... and there were ALOT of injuries tied to those trampolines. I'd love to meet the first parent who decided to buy their family a trampoline. "Sure sure...Having a pool is pretty dangerous, yes. But I think I'll up the ante by buying a device that rockets my children two stories into the air. And to make it more safe, I'll make the fucking thing large enough to fit at least 6 of his/her friends on there simulataneously so they ALL can do it! SAFE!"
I have alot of memories playing this game as a youth, due to the fact that I was never suckered into having a REAL paper route. I'm not sure what neighborhood this game actually is supposed to take place in, but apparently every one and every thing is out to kill you for some reason. Why would someone pay for a newspaper subscription and then try to kill the person delivering it on sight? And why does the Paperboy get rewarded for breaking other people's shit? Sure, this cozy neighborhood looks middle-class, but there's all kinds of terrible shit waiting for you: there are lawnmowers that come after you, tornadoes, people coming out of the sewer, the same VW Beetle tries to run you down whenever you are forced to ride in the street, the damn Grim Reaper is walking around, dogs attack you and worst of all... every single house on the block is inhabited by the same angry man in a red bath robe. And this is one of those classic NES games where you get his ONCE and you're dead. And as if the poor kid's life wasn't already terrifying enough, if you do manage to make it to the end of the most dangerous road in the world, there's a damn obstacle course in the end! Horray! My absolute favorite part of this game is when you eventually get a Game Over.
Wow, it's like "Fuck you, you suck kid. We kicked your ass and you lost... and now you're giving up because you are weak. Oh and it's going on the front page of the paper for everyone to see." And NES even toned their Game Over screen DOWN. Look at the Atari version...
What kind of awful fucking paper is the Daily Sun? Could you imagine going to school for Journalism and getting a job at a big time newspaper company and your get handed this as your first big story. That's right, humiliate this poor local kid. Put his stupid picture on the front page and make EVERY SINGLE article about how he sucks at life. Don't stop until the poor kid is scarred for life.
Maniac Mansion
Sure, I'm cracking on every game on this post, but let me be clear when I say this game is absolute genius. Alot of NES games are hilarious because of how bad they are, this one is actually demented on purpose. It's one of the first Turn-Based games I can remember on such a scale. You take turns controlling an entire group of teens who are trying to rescue some 80's bimbo cheerleader from a house full of demented, mutant family members. You break and enter into their house, take their stuff, feed weird shit to their giant pet Tentacle, ring the doorbell and run... yeah, as you can probably tell, I never got far in this game. Apparently a meteor of some sort crashed near this family's house and turned them into brain-eating kidnappers. Many say that the mansion in this game was designed after Skywalker Ranch. Which makes sense since that place is filled with freaks and flesh-eating George Lucas.
Monster Party
My half-black friend showed me this game in 1st grade, so I assume Monster Party held some kind of street cred at the time... (kidding!) One day a boy named Mark is walking home from playing baseball (unlike the lazy bum kids sitting on their asses playing NES!), when he is approached by a gargoyle-dragon thing named Bert. Yes, fucking Bert... this game's already off to a hell of a start with that right there. Apparently, Bert's world is under attack by weird monsters... errm, OTHER weird monsters. Since Bert, a flying monster who can shoot stuff out of his eyes, isn't able to defend his world, he decides to seek the aid of the ONE person capable of destroying thousand of evil monsters - some grade-schooler with nothing but a wooden baseball bat. Hey Bert, while you're at it why don't you ask an amputee for a handjob? The greatness of this game starts in the very first level when Mark crosses in front of a big, spooky tree that proceeds to turn the entire world and all the creatures within it into piles of bones and guts and waterfalls of blood. Wooo! The idea is, you fight a bunch of hilariously stupid boss-monsters until Mark gets the key to the next level. Occasionally when killed, an enemy will drop a giant Pill. If Marks takes the pill, he temporarily turns into Bert, who can fly and shoot lasers. That's right, because taking drugs makes you better at everything. Then again, you'd have to be on drugs to actually play this game nowadays. All bashing aside, the element of comedy is a big part of this game - which is where the bosses come in. The first monster you encounter in level one is just a big dead guy who says "Sorry, I'm dead." And that's it. You fight giant pieces of deep-fried food in one level. There's another boss later in the game who dances himself to death over the course of 5-10 minutes - and there's no way to kill him yourelf, you just friggin' wait until he dies. A boss that requires the player to do nothing except wait... could you imagine some kid today playing a game where he has to wait 10 minutes and just do nothing? Kids would explode today. The moral of the story is simple for the kids: always talk to strangers late at night on your way home, especially drug-pushing Gargoyles. Every one of life's problems can be beaten to death by the wooden bat of Truth.
NARC
This game was probably the biggest reason they started putting age-restrictions on video games. This game is just rotten to the core... but everyone remembers it. I wish I could have been there for the conversation between the guy pitching the idea for NARC to his boss and his boss actually giving him the green light to make this game.
"Hey so we thought of this new game for kids, its called NARC... ya know, 'cuz kids should have Police as role models. You walk through the streets, which for some reason are only inhabited by bums throwing needles at you, stray animals, dope-dealers and other colorful child-friendly characters. Instead of making arrests or conducting an investigation, the NARCs just shoot all the hood rats and drug addicts with some kind of giant-needle shooting gun or run them down with your company car. The end boss will be a typical pimp-type character named Mr. Bigg, a great original name... and when I say 'typical' I mean he's actually just a giant head that spits out moving tongues at you. Because he has unlimited tongues... a Pimp's true wealth is counted ultimately in giant, slithery tongues."
Legendary Wings
When I got this weird ass game as a kid, it must have been one of the games on clearance because literally none of my other friends had it... and the ones that played it with me usually hated it. But honestly, The game itself was actually pretty diverse for an NES game; switching from side-scroll to over-head view frequently (it sounds stupid now, but back then...). Alot of shooting and dropping bombs and dodging shit flying everywhere. The gameplay was good... but the actual *things* in the game are fucking WEIRD! The premise of the game is this: the world is totally run by a giant master computer called "Dark," which malfunctions and causes war or some shit like that. The god "Ares" sends down two winged soldiers to go shoot a bunch of flying crap, fight giant white dragons and get inhaled into the mouths of giant monster-faces on the ground... none of which actually seems to have anything to do with computers.
The end-stage bosses are giant half-flesh half-mechanical ships that shoot eyeballs and pieces of skin?! Huh? Not only did the Japanese makers come up with a completely wack storyline but also (surprise surprise) the English translations are... less than good. Instead of calling the main enemy "Dark," the game calls him "The Devil." The fucking Devil? That's a BIG difference. I had a friend whose Christian parents wouldn't let him play Legendary Wings because of this mistranslation... literally. The DEVIL... yeah. Anhow, when you finally do get to the end of the game, "The Devil" actually just turns out to be a weird green disappearing eye-robot that shoots diamonds or some shit like that.. Check out this epic final showdown...
"You have saved Human Race from extinction. Thank you for playing"
1. Taking Stupid Photos Of Yourself Because Nobody Else Wants To
It's going to be great when you look back at your photos in 40 years and find one million trashy photos of you, taken by yourself in the bathroom mirror of a bar restroom. I mean, what more could a girl want in the background to compliment her beauty than a giant piece of porcelain that has been shit into, pissed into and vomited into by hordes of strangers? And nothing makes you look more cool than NOT having one additional person in your life that can take your picture for you. Here's a hint, if nobody else thinks you're interesting enough to spend 5 seconds taking a photo of you, chances are nobody is going to think you're very interesting after being forced to look at you photographing yourself. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to give a flying fuck... well, you know the rest.
2. Writing Stupid Open Letters To Inanimate Places And Things
Dear Starbucks,
Please stop making your triple mocha latte so delicious. All this caffeine hurts my asshole and my bank account.
Your friend...
Dear Monday,
Ugh you suck so bad. Plz go awak k thx bai.
Sincerely...
When did it become cool to write fake letters to things that can't even read or receive mail? Do you people really need to express the stupidest of thoughts into fucking letter-form?
Dear Philadelphia Eagles,
Just quit now, fire Andy Reid and get new coordinators. This is bullshit!
Your friend...
Dear Kahlua and Cream,
I love you so. You treat me so right.
Regards...
3. Posting Stupid Pictures Of Food That Looks Barely Edible
What's the one thing that's more pointless and annoying than someone posting what they're eating on social media? People taking pictures of their stupid food. Are you trying to make starving people jealous of the fact that someone cooked you a home-made grilled cheese? I understand that picture counts and limited rolls of film no longer exist, but could you possibly waste a photo on something more retarted? Why do I not see people Instagramming pictures of their poop? I mean it's the same damn thing, isn't it? It's just your food in an advanced stage of nobody giving a shit. Oh wow, your girlfriend made you french toast or mac & fucking cheese? TAKE A PICTURE, YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS MICROWAVABLE MEAL MOMENT BACK... EVER!
4. Posting Stupid Pictures With Other People's Babies
Unless you're related in some close way to someone's newborn piss-and-shit factory, you have no reason to be showing off someone else's hard work to your social media friends. Here's an idea, why dont you take a picture of yourself behind an over-sized drum kit and pretend you play for the band Rush? Or maybe I can walk through the parking lot of the mall and take my picture next to a flashy, expensive car and pretend it belongs to me? That'd be just as genuine as photographing yourself pretending to be motherly/fatherly by holding someone else's child. Women are usually the majority violators on this one. Ladies, if you enjoy people redundantly commenting "aww thats so cute, so so so precious and beautiful!", then go get pregnant and HAVE YOUR OWN CHILD!
5. Quoting Stupid Country Music Songs Right After A Breakup To Show How You're Totally Moving On
<3 <3 Weeeee... are never ever ever... getting back together! .... Like, everrrrrrr! <3 <3 This girl is movin onnnnnn... I ain't settlin'!
"God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you..."
Want to know what would convince me that a girl is strong-hearted and has her shit together? If she didn't listen to country music and didn't repeatedly fall in love with scumbags! With all the depth and knowledge you classy ladies have procured from country music lyrics, I'm sure now there is NO chance of you ever making the same mistake again. Country music doesn't speak to the heart and soul, it speaks to the pea-sized brains it's suburban female listeners whose boyfriends end up in a shirtless chase through a trailer park on an episode of Cops.
After trying for a solid five minutes to sort these 5 bags of cinematic shit, I decided just to list them in NO particular order. And no, I did not include the Return To Oz. Don't you say anything bad about that movie... ever!
Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines
Well it looks like we start our list with this steaming pile of buttfuck. I swear, Michael Bay must be some sort of clairvoyant or something; he always knows exactly what I want to see in a movie! I mean he nailed it when he said to himself, "I know what all those kids who grew up in the 80's and 90's who idolized T1 and T2 want to see - lets take their old, broken-down, 60 year old childhood hero and make him get his fucking ass kicked by a skinny blonde girl." That is fucking demeaning! Here's a question: If John Connor is the leader of the entire Human Resistance and the most important person on the planet, why does he keep sending analog, outdated Arnold back in time to protect him from other terminators with way more advanced shit? I know it sounds pretty funny saying this, but Arnold's acting is extra bad in this one. But alas... you can always make a bad movie watchable if you add a hot female co-star! Yeah, how about we get Claire Danes?
What the hell? Why didn't Michael Bay just put a red wig on Edward Furlong and make him play the female role. I'm pretty sure he just kicked Smack and he could use the paycheck if he's still alive. Anyway, I think Arnold shoots a bunch of shit. I don't remember, nor do I want to remember. Thanks for taking a giant shit on my childhood, you asshole!
Jaws 3 (or Jaws 3-D)
I'm not saying ANY of the Jaws sequals are good, but Jaws 2 and Jaws:The Revenge are at least watchable. But Jaws 3... wow. How bad can you possibly fuck up something so simple? Half of the shots of Jaws are completely unrelated shots from what looks like the Discovery Channel footage. One moment you have a discolored, cheap model of a shark, the next you have a totally different shark for no reason. This movie was already so bad... why didn't they just do the WHOLE movie with the shitty fake shark models? That would have made Jaws 3 a cult classic.
So the premise of this one is that a baby great white shark gets captured at fucking Sea World by Dennis Quaid and his whale-bio nerds. And little Jaws' mama isnt too happy about that. Oh, random fact - the video game Jaws is loosely based off of this movie (you fight little Jaws and big Jaws as the main challenge). And like all terrible things in life, Dennis Quaid always wins the day.
Exorcist II: The Heretic
Of the five films I have listed in this blog, this one is definitely my favorite. Wow, this movie is the mecca of overbudgeted failures. This movie isn't a train wreck, it's a fucking plane crash into a train wreck. As it turns out, young Reagan was not possessed by the Devil. No no no... turns out it was a flying locust-demon named Pazuzu. That makes total sense actually... since Reagan specifically said "I'm the Devil! Now kindly undo these straps!" in the original Exorcist. Max Von Sydow makes another appearance for a few abstract scenes here and there. Reagan is now older and undergoes some sort of non-existant hypnosis with flashing lights and sounds.
She begins to remember her experiences during the first Exorcism, she tries to commit sleepwalk-suicide and eventually returns to her childhood home to face... um, the demonic version of herself? The film climaxes with Reagan twirling around like an idiot in a swarm of insane locusts. What the fuck were they thinking?
Halloween III: Season of The Witch
I know I said there was no real order to these five movies - but THIS one is by far the worst of the batch. The first most-noticeable thing about this movie is that Michael Meyers ISN'T EVEN IN IT! Nope, they just made up a dumb fucking movie about magically evil Halloween masks and an abandoned town. The cast members are about as much worth mentioning as the smell and color of my last 10 shits. So this company "Silver Shamrock" is making and distributing masks that, when worn on Halloween night during a specific commercial on TV, kill the wearer by melting their head... or something.
"Woot! Time to fucking die, finally!"
Michael Meyers worked perfectly in the first two Halloween movies, so logic would tell you to... make a fucking dumb movie about a company that makes evil masks and simply slap the 'Halloween' brand on it so it will be accepted as a reputable film. In short, the main protagonist of the movie tries to infiltrate the factory where the masks are created, but fails. And a bunch of kids get their heads melted. Whatever.
Alien Ressurrection
You'd think after Alien 3 was cranked out of Hollywood's anus, the series would have ended (mainly due to the fact that Ripley plunged herself into molten metal). But no sir, nooo no no! They bring Ripley back via cloning... and they make her HALF ALIEN! Wow! This movie is going to... suck balls! Winonah Ryder's acting is appropriately robotic this time... since her character is actually a robot. They make a reverse version of Ripley, which is a big fleshy alien, which thinks Ripley is its mother.
"Call Maury Povich... this one clearly aint mine..."
The ending scene is a touching scene where the alien is slowly devoured through a breach in the aircraft hull, slowly and painfully sucking the creature out as it helplessly screams and reaches for its mother for help. At one point, Sigourney Weaver finds a laboratory with the failed trial experiments that lead up to her creation via-cloning. Ripley finds a half-mangled, one-breasted version of herself that begs for death... Ripley sets the creature on fire with tears a-flowing. Not even Mario Van Peebles, the bad guy from The Crow and Ron Pearlman could salvage the watchability of this fucking shit movie! I would rather watch Alien 3 in Spanish with Arabic subtitles than ever watch Alien Ressurrection ever again!
