5 Terms For New Parents To Learn

 

Parenting is no easy task. And let's face it; kids are dumb as shit. There are tons of useless things your friends and family will give new and expecting parents as advice. This article is basically just the same thing, yeah.

 

 

1. "THE SUBURBAN MINEFIELD"

 

After Christmas or first birthday parties, your home will likely be transformed into a small mountain of noisy devices. No infant is going to clean up their own toys... and why should we? These kids today are spoiled... just plain spoiled. Inevitably on one evening or another you will find yourself walking through said toy-infested room in the dark; tiptoeing blindly (and sometimes after drinking) around a minefield of toys that will light up and play loud music and wake up your sleeping baby.You never have the chance to turn every toy off and why should you? Spoiled ass kids.

 

2. "THE WOUNDED WARRIOR"

 

You just pulled in your driveway after a hard day's work. It is hot or pouring rain or freezing cold outside. You need your one hand for your keys to open your front door. You need to get a 30 pack of beer and a small human child into the house. You will only be able to make ONE trip from car to house. Therefor you clumsily carry and large case of beer as well as a 20-30 pound child in one arm, somewhat resembling the weight of helping a wounded soldier hobble safely from the battlefield.

 

3. "JIU-SHITSU"

 

After unfastening a particularly foul diaper your child decides it's time for hammer kicks and breakdancing. Jiu-Shitsu is the art of containing the arms and legs of the squirming little bastard while allowing yourself to wipe ass and dispose of the shitty diaper without injuring the opponent with punches and kicks.

 

4. "THE JEWEL THIEF"

 

Laying a sleeping child down into a crib is a lot like the combined experiences of Bomb Diffusing and the board game Operation. You tiptoe into the nursery, succeeding wonderfully in stepping on only the creakiest spots on the floor. Uh oh, they're starting to wake up because they touched the side of their crib putting them down to sleep, you dumbass. Now you move as frantically but quietly out of the Nursery before that shit-filled time bomb realizes you abandoned them in the darkness and tiptoed madly into the night.

 

5. "THE DOG YISPERER"

 

Dogs; they're the greatest addition to a man's life one could ever ask for. Except when you have small children, in which case they become more and more attractive to toss on the BBQ. You just put your angry, teething monster down after a 90 minute battle with Bed time. Someone slams a car door two houses down and your damn dog starts howling like Hitler just punched through your roof. Your initial instinct is to scream at the dog, but that's not going to help the situation. You are forced to do a combination Yell/Whisper (Yisper), furiously trying to shut the attention-starved fleabag up before your sleeping child wakes up screaming.

Ronda Rousey sets her sights on Catchweight fight against The Moon!

 

Ronda Rousey's athletic career is one that is full of inspiring, memorable moments. But like any great athlete, not all of the make-or-break moments were ones looked back on so fondly for the UFC champion.

“I remember at my eighth birthday party, the Moon had a weird shadow on it that looked like a middle finger. I never forgot that day and what the Moon did to me. It’s insulting and… well, it’s time I punch a 340,000 mile long mouth-looking crater in the Moon’s surface so I can finally shut the Moon’s stupid mouth once and for all.”

The reigning Bantamweight champion stands at a confident 5 feet 7 inches (source: Google) and a lean 135 pounds (source: Google). Rousey spoke with Dana White this week. Who had the following to say.

"At first I was worried that Ronda wouldn't sign on to do a Catchweight fight. There is a bit of a size differential, yea I mean... I realize the Moon is 14.6 Million Square Miles larger than the champ. But the bottom line is, the Moon has been talking shit for a long time on Ronda and it's time for the Moon to make me millions of dollars."

MMA experts also question if the veteran Moon's age will be a problem. But Rousey does not believe it to be a problem.

“I realize the Moon has more than 4.5 Billion years in this fight game. I don't see why the Moon would retire now. I mean, you know, before I go up there and kick that Moon in the stupid, smelly face."

Ronda's Mother and life-long trainer, AnnMaria De Mars, seems supremely confident that her daughter will have no issues dealing with this new kind of opponent.

“I realize my daughter is literally less than a single grain of sand in comparison to her opponent’s size, but Ronda has several advantages over the Moon. The Moon has absolutely no ‘ground game,’ since the Moon itself has never touched the ground. And I really feel as though the Moon’s striking is severely lacking since it has no arms or legs. She is more ready than ever to destroy the Moon and put this whole rivalry behind her. Ronda has to get back on track right away; other female fighters' dreams aren't going to destroy themselves, you know!"

The Moon has yet to respond to being called out by Rousey... not even on Instagram.

Fuck you, Moon.

The 5 Best Songs For Fighters To Use As Introduction Music

 

We've all seen it for years; boxers and MMA fighters all have their own 'theme' music that they walk into the ring to meet their opponent. Well I've thought long and hard and have finally given to the world this list of the 5 most blood-boiling, combat-appropriate anthems. You're welcome.

1. James Brown - Living In America

This is your classic James Brown song; 90% of his lyrics barely sound like he's even using real words. I'm 99% sure there's a part in this song where he says "I see Eye to eye... with Lando's decision." Lando's decision? What do you mean, like... Lando from Star Wars' decision to betray Han Solo to save his own ass? That's fucking rotten. Anyway, basically this song brought Apollo Creed luck in his fight against Ivan Drago. I think? I haven't seen Rocky 4 in awhile, sorry.


2. Benny Mardones - Into The Night

 

 

Nothing says "I'm a big strong man who can kick your ass" quite like the opening lyrics of Into The Night - "She's just 16 years old. Leave her alone... they say."

As the song goes on, Benny Mardones talks about flying through the night and picking up the under-age girl and "showing her love like she's never seen." How did this song get written, recorded and then make it to top 40 radio? This is literary child pornography!

3. Baltimora - Tarzan Boy

Yes, the song from the early-1990's Listerine commercial. This song lets your adversary know that you are fresh and clean, but are also prone to stripping nude and running through the jungle.



4. Inner Circle - Sweat


An equal-ethnicity anthem that, while happy on the surface, makes 3 things perfectly clear to the man in the opposite corner.

1. Girl, I'm gonna make you sweat.
2. Sweat tills ya cant sweats no more
3. If you cry out, I'm going to push it push it some more


5. Van Halen - Right Now

This song is a definite good-omen song... and probably the least sexually-questionable of the last 4 songs (especially the one about Lando... what a dickface.) This song was the official song of Al Gore's dive-bombing political campaign, the official song for the biggest failure in soft-drink history; Crystal Clear Pepsi, and most importantly - this Van Halen song represented the demise of Van Halen itself (for the 2nd time).

5 Choices For The Next Batman That DON'T Suck As Bad As Ben Affleck

Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

 

 

1.) Bill Paxton

 

Known For: Kicking a tornados ass, Shooting aliens, Declaring 'Game Over."

 

 

2.) Bruce Buffer

 

Known For: Yelling into a microphone at the start and end of fights, Being orange.

 

 

3.) Danny Glover

 

Known For: Being "Too Old For This Shit," Killing Predator in a fight.

 

 

4.)The Sherriff of Rottingham

 

Known For: Being the Sherriff of Rottingham.

 

 

5.) Sinbad

 

Known For: Funny one-liners, Dangly earrings and sweet 90's pants.

5 REASONS WHY FANTASY FOOTBALL 'PLAYERS' ARE DEFINITELY NOTHING LIKE NERDS

1. Because you pair super-atheletes into hypothetical teams and send them on a week -long adventure against your friends. Next week my team is going into the Mines of Moria.

2. Because your league is a bunch of un-atheletic assholes, who probably are just as good at playing real football as a room full of Magic: The Gathering players.

 

3. Because you have a draft... aka a bunch of dudes with silly team names crunching numbers together once every September.

4. Because you have a League Commissioner... aka a Dungeon Master in denial.

5. Because you spend the end of every fantasy week in a pissing contest over who has the highest score. Yeah, well... I'm still better than you at Mega Man 2.
 

If I Could Make A Street Fighter Movie...

While I'm sure there are fortunate people who haven't wasted 2 hours of their life on the Street Fighter movie from the 1990's, most of us have seen this awful bastard of a movie. Yes, Gomez Adams plays M.Bison, Van-Damma played the main character (for some reason they chose Guile) and they even sprung to get Kylie Minogue (the singer with no acting experience) to play Cammy White.

This movie SUCKED and let's be honest, a good anime movie just doesn't cut it. So with no further words, here is my fantasy cast for a Street Figher-Alpha movie. I haven't included EVERY single character in the Street Figher universe. I mean hey, they can always make sequels!

Main Story Characters

RYU

The central character in the Street Fighter universe. A wandering warrior from Japan who cares only about training and facing the best fighters across the globe. As a teenager, Ryu defeated the world-champion Sagat in his home country of Thailand. Ryu is generally a loner and his only friend is his American friend Ken Masters.

Actor: Daniel Henney (Hawaii 5-0, Wolverine)

 

 

 

 

KEN MASTERS

 

Ryu's childhood friend and training partner. Ken's Shotokan style is identical to his partner's, except more impatient and flamboyant. Born into one of the richest families in the world, Ken has managed to beat every opponent in his path save only two: the former world-champion Sagat and of course, his best friend Ryu.

 

Actor: Garrett Hedlund (Tron:Legacy, Alexander)

 

 

 

 

CHUN LI

 

Actress: Mai Linh (Die Hard 4, Priest)

 

Chun Li is the third most prominent character in the Street Fighter universe. Hailing from China, Chun Li constantly finds herself entangled in the adventures of Ken and Ryu over the years.

 

 

 

 

 

AKUMA

 

Actor: Hiroyuki Sanada (Last Samurai, Rush Hour 3)

 

Akuma is responsible for the death of Ken and Ryu's beloved master. Akuma is literally the opposite side of the coin as Ken and Ryu. He is everything that is evil about the Shotokan way. Every step Ryu takes on his path to Shotokon mastery, he risks becoming Akuma itself. His focus is entirely on killing Ryu and proving himself the ultimate warrior.

 

SUPPORTING CHARACTERS

SAGAT

Sagat was once the undefeated world champion and the fighting pride of his country of Thailand. All of that came crashing down when he was humiliated in battle by a young fighter from Japan named Ryu. The large scar upon Sagat's chest, compliments of Ryu, is a constant reminder of his failures. Sagat is motivated only by the notion of re-challenging Ryu and crushing him to reclaim his mantle as true champion of the world.

Actor: Antonio "Bigfoot Silva (UFC Heavyweight, 6"5)

M. BISON

Bison is essentially the main antagonist in the Street Fighter universe. He is a psychotic warlord bent on total world domination. His self proclaimed "Psycho Power" fighting style renders him nearly invulnerable to defeat in combat. Bison has been known to, in several instances throughout the years, battle both Ken and Ryu at the same time.

Actor: Benedict Cumberbatch (Star Trek: Into Darkness)

VEGA

A famous bullfighter turned bloodthirsty killer from Spain, A complete egotist,Vega enjoys slaying his victim before large crowds inside of a cage. Obsessed with his physical beauty, Vega dawns a theatrical mask during his 'performances' and chooses to wear a claw on one of his hands to flay his adversaries.

Actor: Michael Fassenbender (300, X-Men First Class)

GUY

 

 Guy was the first Final Fight character to be introduced into the Street Fighter universe. He helped Mayor Haggar and Cody defeat the Mad Gear Gang and save Metro City. The character of guy has long been portrayed as difficult to get along with and very short-fused, but ultimately noble in his intentions. His fighting style, Bushin, utilizes brutal speed and no-frills efficiency, which has given Guy a long career of tangling with entire gangs of foes.

 

Actor: Tom Hardy (fuckin Bane from Batman)

 

CODY

Actor: Charlie Hunham (Sons of Anarchy)

After Cody helped Haggar and Guy defeat Mad Gear, his life as a 'hero' would be short lived. Cody used his fighting ability to beat a bloody swatch through the underground fighting circuit and basically fight anyone for any reason. Cody eventually landed himself in jail and escaped soon after. Since then Cody has been continuously on the run, contributing to the havoc he once fought to stop.

GUILE

Actor: Brian Stann (UFC fighter, Decorated Marine)

Everyone knows this guy; the brush cut, the tattoo, the flash kick and sonic boom. And this time he's not being played by a terrible actor from Wales.

BALROG

Actor: Idris Elba (Prometheus, Thor)

Boxer turned Shadowloo criminal, Balrog is one of Bison's most valued assets. Why's the black guy automatically have to be evil? K'mon Capcom!

 

CAMMY WHITE

Actress: Olivia Wilde

British assassin who Bison brainwashes into killing Chun-Li's father.

Music Genres Summed Into One Sentence

Classical/Orchestral Music

"Singing is for dorks, listen to how loud this horn is."


Country/Western

"Cold beer, Dirt Road, Saturday, 'Murica..."


Modern Rock

"The kids at school were mean to me... shut up, Mom!"


Soft Rock

"You're probably having Dental work done, enjoy this Clarinet solo."


Hard Rock

"Being old is awesome... I guess."


Hardcore

"I scream and throw air-punches, but also paint my nails and cry at night."


Metal

"Tune the guitars down a step or two, then let's get sweaty and break shit."


Rap

"Hey look at all this dumb shit I bought... women are all basically whores."


Jazz

"A-Bee Bop Skiddly Bam POW!"


R&B

"I'm probably going to take off my... yeah, I just took my pants off."


Lounge

"This elevator might smell weird... here's a Sinatra song about absolutely nothing."


Punk

"If our music gets us famous, then all of our fans will hate us."


Boy Bands

"Some creepy white guy paired me up with these other dudes and paid us to do weird shit."