Top 5 NES Most Misrepresented 'Movie Games'

 

Incase you didnt notice during the 80's and 90's; Nintendo mastered the art of whipping up a crummy half-wit game, slapping a popular selling movie logo on the game and inevitably... torturing white suburb kids into write angry blogs in their 30's.... Well let't get right to it!

 

Keep in mind, this is not a list of the WORST NES Movie-Games. Just the most poorly represented.

Back To The Future

Game elements actually from Movie: The title screen, the occasional flying skateboard and the last level where you fly the time-machine car.

First off, why is Marty McFly basically a clone of Little Mac from Mike Tyson’s Punch out? Good start to a shitty game. I remember playing this game as a kid and immediately saying to myself “Wow, this game is practically like watching the Back to The Future movies. There’s Marty running aimlessly through the streets in a muscle shirt, with his only weapon; his trusty bowling ball…? Woah! Now there goes Marty dodging oil slicks, getting attacked by birds and dangerous hula-hooping girls. And holy shit… there’s that one scene from the film where Marty is behind the bar in the Malt Shop throwing Milkshakes at oncoming people…? This is rad!”

As far as playability and controls go, this game isn’t terrible as Top Gun or Ghostbusters. That being said, the soundtrack is fucking painful to withstand and there’s really no reason to ever play this game. Ever.

Rating: 2/5 Biffs

 

 

Predator

Game elements actually from Movie: Scorpions, crude cut scene of Arnold finding skinned bodies (nice), an emaciated Predator and Dutch (Arnold).

Every game on this list is bad, don’t get me wrong. But this one they took WAY overboard. There’s actually an option to pause the game, hit any button on your controller and kill yourself… that’s how much hope the designers and programmers had for how fun this game would be for the players.  I’m guessing the Japanese people who made this game probably never saw this movie… or even bothered to figure out what this movie was about.  Our shitty adventure begins with a purple-colored Arnold running unarmed through the 8-bit jungle, which for some reason is littered conveniently with Grenades, Lasers and Machine Guns. Pretty accurate so far? Fret not; this game stays right on-point with the film, scene for scene. That scene where Arnold fights pink ghosts and giant, floating bacteria is included. And the awesome scene where Arnold has to shoot all those evil blue bubbles is in the game, thank God!  The game designers did a great job representing how badass Predator was; he stumbles back and forth, doing front flips and making an elephant sound(?) whenever he gets struck. Arnold can pretty much destroy the Predator with his bare fucking hands, just like in the movie.  In the “Big Mode” level, Predator just floats in the air and lets you shoot him to death. And the game completely captured the excitement of the ending battle. You know which one I mean…the one where Arnold faces off with all his weapons against a giant floating Predator head.

The controls aren’t terrible, but the levels are just plain shitty to navigate, so the controls might as well be terrible. The only thing about this game that is enjoyable is the soundtrack. It sounds trivial but having 3 or 4 game songs is SO much nicer than having the same 5 second tune repeating itself like in Friday The 13^th and Back to the Future.

Rating: 3/5 Macks

Superman

Game elements actually from the Movie: None.

This is by far the absolute worst game on this list. Holy shit this game SUCKS. First and foremost, you can’t even fly. Second, bullets hurt you – GREAT IDEAS SO FAR! Wow, this game really captures the essence of Superman. I mean I could see fucking up the Predator game by not seeing the film. But what dark crevice of the globe contains people who don’t know anything about Superman?  And remember in the one Superman movie when Superman wasn’t able to get into the Subway because he didn’t get a subway pass? And all those awesome scenes fighting 1940’s style Mobsters in the sewer? Yeah and those green, robed aliens and half naked muscle-men that constantly try to run directly into Superman is just like in the comics. Why isn’t Superman able to kick anyone’s ass? It’s just like the in Atari game, where Superman is unable to get to Lex Luther because Lex destroys a bridge. Why would Superman use a bridge? Your pain and suffering experienced while playing Superman for NES is coupled with one of the most painful fucking game soundtracks ever. Yes, they didn’t even include the Superman music. This pile of super shit sounds like the soundtrack was written by a deaf person… and the game looks like it was animated by a blind person. Bad. Just BAD.

Rating: 1/5 Zods

 

 

Top Gun

Game elements actually from Movie: An airplane.

For some reason it seemed as though every one of my friends owned this piece of shit game. This game is one of the first game with Inverted Controls that I can recall (a game where Up is Down, Left is Right, etc). Now I suppose the game company was trying to make it seem like you were actually flying a plane or whatever, but the problem is there are parts in this game that are so impossibly hard… your chances of accomplishing them with normal damn controls would be impossible anyhow! Of all the times I’ve played this game over the years, I’ve probably landed the plane at the end of the level 10% of the time AT BEST. The flying portion of the game is kind of like being dead; you fly aimlessly into a blue abyss, with the occasional white spot of cloud passing by you. This is kind of ironic, since I wished someone would have killed me while I was playing this game as a child.

Rating: 1/5 Lovin' Feelings

 

Rambo

Game elements actually from Movie: Rambo, his superior office and the Jungle.

I know Rambo is ridiculously bad-ass in the movies, but did you know he’s SO badass that he can run shirtless through the jungle aimlessly karate-chopping snakes in the fucking face?! Not just that… but apparently he’s um… able to kill a giant helicopter with just a knife? Okay…? I remember playing this as a kid; oh the hours aimlessly wandering around killing jungle creatures, never getting to fight actual humans – which is basically 100% of what Rambo did in every scene of every one of the films. To be fair, this game wasn’t a total catastrophe, the game company just didn’t feel like putting anything interesting into this game. They figured – hey, it’s Rambo. People will buy it, who cares if it’s a pile of 8-bit assbarf?

2/5 Murdocks

 

 

 

 

Top 5 Most Annoying Video Game Enemies

Cliff Racers from Morrowind (Xbox)

When I first starting playing this game hardcore, Cliff Racers made me temporarily phobic of anything in the sky that was larger than a pigeon. These annoying enemies attack the traveling player constantly on his journey. Cliff Racers always seem to come at the worst time and always manage to sneak up on you ! To a low level character, especially a new player, these attacks can be devastating. Many of them carry debilitating diseases that force the player to drop everything in their inventory, hoof it back to town, get a cure, then hoof it BACK to your dropped gear… and this is one of those games where you can’t mark the map where you dropped your stuff. Often times, Cliff Racers hunt in packs of 2 or more and still manage to relentlessly attack the player at impossibly high levels. Seriously where are these things breeding and why are they so fucking angry?

2. Grim Reaper from Castlevania (NES)

I like the Castlevania version of Dracula – he’s so fucking badass that DEATH HIMSELF takes orders from him. The Reaper from Castlevania 1 may easily be the hardest 8-bit boss of all time. Little scythes spawn in the air and attack Simon Belmont from every angle. This boss is so unfair, if you do manage to beat him… killing Dracula will seem like fighting a crippled infant. There’s no actual strategy to beating the Grim Reaper… shit just appears all around you while you try and whip Death’s fucking ass as he flies around. You just have to get lucky… REALLY lucky. Hardest NES boss hands-down.

3. Ghost-Windsock-Monster from Ghosts & Goblins

This game is one of the most challenging games of all time; both in the arcade as well as the console spectrums. And while there are far more fucked up and unfair monsters in this game, the Ghost-Socks are the only monster that emits a sound; which is a taunting, high-pitched noise that CONSTANTLY GOES OFF while the bastards are alive.. It flies back and forth, dropping Ghost shit from above (and you cannot shoot upwards in this game by the way)… half of the time they are totally out of reach and the player is forced to navigate around the bullets with this game’s stiff ass, sluggish controls.

4. "Watch My Dance" Zombies from Monster Party (NES)

They don’t do shit like this in a lot of NES games.. and thank God. This boss simply requires the player to NOT hit the enemies… and just sit there and fucking wait. Can you imagine some kid today logging on to play some shooter on Xbox live that requires you to not shoot or move to get the best score? I’ve fought this annoying boss quite a few times since 1^st grade, and I never could decipher a total amount of time this boss takes to… dance itself to death. Some times it seemed like it took a minute, other seemed like 10 minutes. Either way, a boss that requires a kid to just sit there and wait is plain fucked up.

5. The Evil Mailbox from ToeJam & Earl (Sega Genesis)

There are a lot of ridiculous enemies in this Sega classic, but not are as cruel as the evil Mailbox. I haven’t used a mailbox since I played this game, nor do I plan on using one in the future (because of this game). Most enemies you can avoid one way or the other, but you HAVE to use the mailbox at certain times in TJ & E. And sometimes… the fucking thing attacks you, runs you down and ends up killing you! Monsters are one thing, but monsters on a government salary is quite another!

5 Stupid Things Found In White People's Homes And Yards

 

Fake Drawers

I cant really decide if this one is tacky or just hilarious. I could see installing a non-functioning drawer if you ran out of supplies or something, but to knowingly put one in blows my mind. Hey grab me a fork, please... no not out of that drawer, oh not that one either because it's fake, gotcha!! *drumroll*

The Forbidden Room That Never Gets Used

You ever buy a new pair of shoes or a set of new tires that looked so good, you never used them? Yeah me either. My family had a room like this - with couches too nice to ever sit on, rugs that were off-limit to all pets and most children, a piano that never got played, the whole nine yards. What kind of idiots like a room so much that they're terrified to use it? As a homeowner, I'm determined to make full use of every room in my house (unless it means having children, that is).

A Water Fountain For Your Ass

You clearly have too much time and money on your hands (or an identity crisis), when the simple act of wiping your own ass becomes beneath you. How much thought does one need to put into cleaning up after taking a shit? Is someone going to toss your salad directly after your done shitting? Sure, there's always a moment in poo-time here and there when a moist tissue/towell are needed (usually after Denny's). But there has never been a time in my life when I said to myself, "Fuck this, my greatness is being sullied by this ass-wiping business. I demand a device that fires a stream of cold water directly into my asshole and has double the potential of soaking me in my own feces!"

 

Outdated Stereo Equipment From The Mid 80's

Why attatch your sense of pride to something as efficient as a laptop or a smart-phone when you can instead have a painfully obselete stereo that takes up half the room? Seriously, when are you ever going to put on an LP (for all you kids, those are the big black records that rappers scratch with)? Why bother with the ease and quality of digital songs and libraries when there is the joy of fast forwarding and giant records with pops and clicks and hissing sounds? Holding on to old stereos is the dormant form of Hoarding, beware!

Trampolines

Could you imagine if people in the Ghetto used trampolines? Trampolines would cause more deaths than guns and crack combined. There were at least 5 or 6 trampolines in my home town (that I was allowed to use)... and there were ALOT of injuries tied to those trampolines. I'd love to meet the first parent who decided to buy their family a trampoline. "Sure sure...Having a pool is pretty dangerous, yes. But I think I'll up the ante by buying a device that rockets my children two stories into the air. And to make it more safe, I'll make the fucking thing large enough to fit at least 6 of his/her friends on there simulataneously so they ALL can do it! SAFE!"