Top 5 Most F'd Up NINTENDO Game Storylines

Paperboy

I have alot of memories playing this game as a youth, due to the fact that I was never suckered into having a REAL paper route. I'm not sure what neighborhood this game actually is supposed to take place in, but apparently every one and every thing is out to kill you for some reason. Why would someone pay for a newspaper subscription and then try to kill the person delivering it on sight? And why does the Paperboy get rewarded for breaking other people's shit? Sure, this cozy neighborhood looks middle-class, but there's all kinds of terrible shit waiting for you: there are lawnmowers that come after you, tornadoes, people coming out of the sewer, the same VW Beetle tries to run you down whenever you are forced to ride in the street, the damn Grim Reaper is walking around, dogs attack you and worst of all... every single house on the block is inhabited by the same angry man in a red bath robe. And this is one of those classic NES games where you get his ONCE and you're dead. And as if the poor kid's life wasn't already terrifying enough, if you do manage to make it to the end of the most dangerous road in the world, there's a damn obstacle course in the end! Horray! My absolute favorite part of this game is when you eventually get a Game Over.

Wow, it's like "Fuck you, you suck kid. We kicked your ass and you lost... and now you're giving up because you are weak. Oh and it's going on the front page of the paper for everyone to see." And NES even toned their Game Over screen DOWN. Look at the Atari version...

What kind of awful fucking paper is the Daily Sun? Could you imagine going to school for Journalism and getting a job at a big time newspaper company and your get handed this as your first big story. That's right, humiliate this poor local kid. Put his stupid picture on the front page and make EVERY SINGLE article about how he sucks at life. Don't stop until the poor kid is scarred for life.

Maniac Mansion

Sure, I'm cracking on every game on this post, but let me be clear when I say this game is absolute genius. Alot of NES games are hilarious because of how bad they are, this one is actually demented on purpose. It's one of the first Turn-Based games I can remember on such a scale. You take turns controlling an entire group of teens who are trying to rescue some 80's bimbo cheerleader from a house full of demented, mutant family members. You break and enter into their house, take their stuff, feed weird shit to their giant pet Tentacle, ring the doorbell and run... yeah, as you can probably tell, I never got far in this game. Apparently a meteor of some sort crashed near this family's house and turned them into brain-eating kidnappers. Many say that the mansion in this game was designed after Skywalker Ranch. Which makes sense since that place is filled with freaks and flesh-eating George Lucas.

Monster Party

My half-black friend showed me this game in 1st grade, so I assume Monster Party held some kind of street cred at the time... (kidding!) One day a boy named Mark is walking home from playing baseball (unlike the lazy bum kids sitting on their asses playing NES!), when he is approached by a gargoyle-dragon thing named Bert. Yes, fucking Bert... this game's already off to a hell of a start with that right there. Apparently, Bert's world is under attack by weird monsters... errm, OTHER weird monsters. Since Bert, a flying monster who can shoot stuff out of his eyes, isn't able to defend his world, he decides to seek the aid of the ONE person capable of destroying thousand of evil monsters - some grade-schooler with nothing but a wooden baseball bat. Hey Bert, while you're at it why don't you ask an amputee for a handjob? The greatness of this game starts in the very first level when Mark crosses in front of a big, spooky tree that proceeds to turn the entire world and all the creatures within it into piles of bones and guts and waterfalls of blood. Wooo! The idea is, you fight a bunch of hilariously stupid boss-monsters until Mark gets the key to the next level. Occasionally when killed, an enemy will drop a giant Pill. If Marks takes the pill, he temporarily turns into Bert, who can fly and shoot lasers. That's right, because taking drugs makes you better at everything. Then again, you'd have to be on drugs to actually play this game nowadays. All bashing aside, the element of comedy is a big part of this game - which is where the bosses come in. The first monster you encounter in level one is just a big dead guy who says "Sorry, I'm dead." And that's it. You fight giant pieces of deep-fried food in one level. There's another boss later in the game who dances himself to death over the course of 5-10 minutes - and there's no way to kill him yourelf, you just friggin' wait until he dies. A boss that requires the player to do nothing except wait... could you imagine some kid today playing a game where he has to wait 10 minutes and just do nothing? Kids would explode today. The moral of the story is simple for the kids: always talk to strangers late at night on your way home, especially drug-pushing Gargoyles. Every one of life's problems can be beaten to death by the wooden bat of Truth.

NARC

 

 

This game was probably the biggest reason they started putting age-restrictions on video games. This game is just rotten to the core... but everyone remembers it. I wish I could have been there for the conversation between the guy pitching the idea for NARC to his boss and his boss actually giving him the green light to make this game.

"Hey so we thought of this new game for kids, its called NARC... ya know, 'cuz kids should have Police as role models. You walk through the streets, which for some reason are only inhabited by bums throwing needles at you, stray animals, dope-dealers and other colorful child-friendly characters. Instead of making arrests or conducting an investigation, the NARCs just shoot all the hood rats and drug addicts with some kind of giant-needle shooting gun or run them down with your company car. The end boss will be a typical pimp-type character named Mr. Bigg, a great original name... and when I say 'typical' I mean he's actually just a giant head that spits out moving tongues at you. Because he has unlimited tongues... a Pimp's true wealth is counted ultimately in giant, slithery tongues."

Legendary Wings

When I got this weird ass game as a kid, it must have been one of the games on clearance because literally none of my other friends had it... and the ones that played it with me usually hated it. But honestly, The game itself was actually pretty diverse for an NES game; switching from side-scroll to over-head view frequently (it sounds stupid now, but back then...). Alot of shooting and dropping bombs and dodging shit flying everywhere. The gameplay was good... but the actual *things* in the game are fucking WEIRD! The premise of the game is this: the world is totally run by a giant master computer called "Dark," which malfunctions and causes war or some shit like that. The god "Ares" sends down two winged soldiers to go shoot a bunch of flying crap, fight giant white dragons and get inhaled into the mouths of giant monster-faces on the ground... none of which actually seems to have anything to do with computers.

The end-stage bosses are giant half-flesh half-mechanical ships that shoot eyeballs and pieces of skin?! Huh? Not only did the Japanese makers come up with a completely wack storyline but also (surprise surprise) the English translations are... less than good. Instead of calling the main enemy "Dark," the game calls him "The Devil." The fucking Devil? That's a BIG difference. I had a friend whose Christian parents wouldn't let him play Legendary Wings because of this mistranslation... literally. The DEVIL... yeah. Anhow, when you finally do get to the end of the game, "The Devil" actually just turns out to be a weird green disappearing eye-robot that shoots diamonds or some shit like that.. Check out this epic final showdown...

"You have saved Human Race from extinction. Thank you for playing"

SO SATISFYING!!!!

5 Stupid Things White Girls Started On Social Media

1. Taking Stupid Photos Of Yourself Because Nobody Else Wants To

It's going to be great when you look back at your photos in 40 years and find one million trashy photos of you, taken by yourself in the bathroom mirror of a bar restroom. I mean, what more could a girl want in the background to compliment her beauty than a giant piece of porcelain that has been shit into, pissed into and vomited into by hordes of strangers? And nothing makes you look more cool than NOT having one additional person in your life that can take your picture for you. Here's a hint, if nobody else thinks you're interesting enough to spend 5 seconds taking a photo of you, chances are nobody is going to think you're very interesting after being forced to look at you photographing yourself. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to give a flying fuck... well, you know the rest.


2. Writing Stupid Open Letters To Inanimate Places And Things

Dear Starbucks,

Please stop making your triple mocha latte so delicious. All this caffeine hurts my asshole and my bank account.

Your friend...


Dear Monday,

Ugh you suck so bad. Plz go awak k thx bai.

Sincerely...

When did it become cool to write fake letters to things that can't even read or receive mail? Do you people really need to express the stupidest of thoughts into fucking letter-form?

Dear Philadelphia Eagles,

Just quit now, fire Andy Reid and get new coordinators. This is bullshit!

Your friend...


Dear Kahlua and Cream,

I love you so. You treat me so right.

Regards...


3. Posting Stupid Pictures Of Food That Looks Barely Edible

What's the one thing that's more pointless and annoying than someone posting what they're eating on social media? People taking pictures of their stupid food. Are you trying to make starving people jealous of the fact that someone cooked you a home-made grilled cheese? I understand that picture counts and limited rolls of film no longer exist, but could you possibly waste a photo on something more retarted? Why do I not see people Instagramming pictures of their poop? I mean it's the same damn thing, isn't it? It's just your food in an advanced stage of nobody giving a shit. Oh wow, your girlfriend made you french toast or mac & fucking cheese? TAKE A PICTURE, YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS MICROWAVABLE MEAL MOMENT BACK... EVER!


4. Posting Stupid Pictures With Other People's Babies

Unless you're related in some close way to someone's newborn piss-and-shit factory, you have no reason to be showing off someone else's hard work to your social media friends. Here's an idea, why dont you take a picture of yourself behind an over-sized drum kit and pretend you play for the band Rush? Or maybe I can walk through the parking lot of the mall and take my picture next to a flashy, expensive car and pretend it belongs to me? That'd be just as genuine as photographing yourself pretending to be motherly/fatherly by holding someone else's child. Women are usually the majority violators on this one. Ladies, if you enjoy people redundantly commenting "aww thats so cute, so so so precious and beautiful!", then go get pregnant and HAVE YOUR OWN CHILD!


5. Quoting Stupid Country Music Songs Right After A Breakup To Show How You're Totally Moving On

<3 <3 Weeeee... are never ever ever... getting back together! .... Like, everrrrrrr! <3 <3
This girl is movin onnnnnn... I ain't settlin'!

"God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you..."

Want to know what would convince me that a girl is strong-hearted and has her shit together? If she didn't listen to country music and didn't repeatedly fall in love with scumbags! With all the depth and knowledge you classy ladies have procured from country music lyrics, I'm sure now there is NO chance of you ever making the same mistake again. Country music doesn't speak to the heart and soul, it speaks to the pea-sized brains it's suburban female listeners whose boyfriends end up in a shirtless chase through a trailer park on an episode of Cops.

"All my ex's are in Texas... yee haww!"

Top 5 Biggest Train-Wreck Sequals

After trying for a solid five minutes to sort these 5 bags of cinematic shit, I decided just to list them in NO particular order. And no, I did not include the Return To Oz. Don't you say anything bad about that movie... ever!

Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines

Well it looks like we start our list with this steaming pile of buttfuck. I swear, Michael Bay must be some sort of clairvoyant or something; he always knows exactly what I want to see in a movie! I mean he nailed it when he said to himself, "I know what all those kids who grew up in the 80's and 90's who idolized T1 and T2 want to see - lets take their old, broken-down, 60 year old childhood hero and make him get his fucking ass kicked by a skinny blonde girl." That is fucking demeaning! Here's a question: If John Connor is the leader of the entire Human Resistance and the most important person on the planet, why does he keep sending analog, outdated Arnold back in time to protect him from other terminators with way more advanced shit? I know it sounds pretty funny saying this, but Arnold's acting is extra bad in this one. But alas... you can always make a bad movie watchable if you add a hot female co-star! Yeah, how about we get Claire Danes?

What the hell? Why didn't Michael Bay just put a red wig on Edward Furlong and make him play the female role. I'm pretty sure he just kicked Smack and he could use the paycheck if he's still alive. Anyway, I think Arnold shoots a bunch of shit. I don't remember, nor do I want to remember. Thanks for taking a giant shit on my childhood, you asshole!

Jaws 3 (or Jaws 3-D)

I'm not saying ANY of the Jaws sequals are good, but Jaws 2 and Jaws:The Revenge are at least watchable. But Jaws 3... wow. How bad can you possibly fuck up something so simple? Half of the shots of Jaws are completely unrelated shots from what looks like the Discovery Channel footage. One moment you have a discolored, cheap model of a shark, the next you have a totally different shark for no reason. This movie was already so bad... why didn't they just do the WHOLE movie with the shitty fake shark models? That would have made Jaws 3 a cult classic.

So the premise of this one is that a baby great white shark gets captured at fucking Sea World by Dennis Quaid and his whale-bio nerds. And little Jaws' mama isnt too happy about that. Oh, random fact - the video game Jaws is loosely based off of this movie (you fight little Jaws and big Jaws as the main challenge). And like all terrible things in life, Dennis Quaid always wins the day.

Exorcist II: The Heretic

Of the five films I have listed in this blog, this one is definitely my favorite. Wow, this movie is the mecca of overbudgeted failures. This movie isn't a train wreck, it's a fucking plane crash into a train wreck. As it turns out, young Reagan was not possessed by the Devil. No no no... turns out it was a flying locust-demon named Pazuzu. That makes total sense actually... since Reagan specifically said "I'm the Devil! Now kindly undo these straps!" in the original Exorcist. Max Von Sydow makes another appearance for a few abstract scenes here and there. Reagan is now older and undergoes some sort of non-existant hypnosis with flashing lights and sounds.

She begins to remember her experiences during the first Exorcism, she tries to commit sleepwalk-suicide and eventually returns to her childhood home to face... um, the demonic version of herself? The film climaxes with Reagan twirling around like an idiot in a swarm of insane locusts. What the fuck were they thinking?

Halloween III: Season of The Witch

I know I said there was no real order to these five movies - but THIS one is by far the worst of the batch. The first most-noticeable thing about this movie is that Michael Meyers ISN'T EVEN IN IT! Nope, they just made up a dumb fucking movie about magically evil Halloween masks and an abandoned town. The cast members are about as much worth mentioning as the smell and color of my last 10 shits. So this company "Silver Shamrock" is making and distributing masks that, when worn on Halloween night during a specific commercial on TV, kill the wearer by melting their head... or something.

"Woot! Time to fucking die, finally!"

 Michael Meyers worked perfectly in the first two Halloween movies, so logic would tell you to... make a fucking dumb movie about a company that makes evil masks and simply slap the 'Halloween' brand on it so it will be accepted as a reputable film. In short, the main protagonist of the movie tries to infiltrate the factory where the masks are created, but fails. And a bunch of kids get their heads melted. Whatever.

Alien Ressurrection

You'd think after Alien 3 was cranked out of Hollywood's anus, the series would have ended (mainly due to the fact that Ripley plunged herself into molten metal). But no sir, nooo no no! They bring Ripley back via cloning... and they make her HALF ALIEN! Wow! This movie is going to... suck balls! Winonah Ryder's acting is appropriately robotic this time... since her character is actually a robot. They make a reverse version of Ripley, which is a big fleshy alien, which thinks Ripley is its mother.

"Call Maury Povich... this one clearly aint mine..."

The ending scene is a touching scene where the alien is slowly devoured through a breach in the aircraft hull, slowly and painfully sucking the creature out as it helplessly screams and reaches for its mother for help. At one point, Sigourney Weaver finds a laboratory with the failed trial experiments that lead up to her creation via-cloning. Ripley finds a half-mangled, one-breasted version of herself that begs for death... Ripley sets the creature on fire with tears a-flowing. Not even Mario Van Peebles, the bad guy from The Crow and Ron Pearlman could salvage the watchability of this fucking shit movie! I would rather watch Alien 3 in Spanish with Arabic subtitles than ever watch Alien Ressurrection ever again!

Proof That Patrick Swayze's Soul Still Roams The Earth... And Hates Mitt Romney!

I have no clue who the guy controlling this Facebook profile actually is... but he is fucking hilarious.

The 4 Most-Inspiring Females of My Childhood

#4

Karen Allen

Marion Ravenwood was the OG of Indiana Jones girls... and in the end Indy chose to marry her. Marion was the kind of gal who was tender and loving, but could also outdrink a farmer from Nepal with quadruple her body mass. Marion isn't exactly the 'Damsel in Distress' type either - she's quick to pick up a frying pan and lend her man a hand during an Egyptian street fight. And even though Marion does seem to get captured pretty frequently throughout her years, she never goes cooperatively... her ability to constantly yell and call her captors rude names is unequaled.

 

It is truly a crying shame how badly Spielberg gave Karen Allen the shaft with the Indy sequel. Sure, she made it back for the 4th installment of the Indy movies, but by that point who gives a fuck? Harrison Ford is older than dinosaur shit and for some reason that douche from Transformers is now part of the cast. Karen’s full body of theatrical work is pretty unimpressive, unfortunately. She debuted in Animal House, which was a classic, and played alongside Bill Murray in Scrooged, which is the only watchable Christmas movie (A Christmas Story is dumb and not funny at all, period).

 

#3

Samus Aran

The first Metroid was a total bitch to ever even get close to completing. But with the invention of cheat codes, everybody eventually got to experience the twist of an ending: the hero removes their space suit to reveal an alien girl in a bikini! Then you get the option of RE-playing this fucking game as an under-dressed alien hooker. Great!

 

Metroid Prime for the Nintendo Gamecube was one of IGN's first games to get a Perfect 10/10 review - even if that game was impossibly hard, you got to see thing from Samus' first-person POV! There is no situation that our gal Samus can't shoot, bomb, flip or roller-ball her way out of! Samus basically kicked an entire planet's ass in the original Metroid, and then managed to out-run the planet-wide explosion safely. Bad ass! Samus has been taking on similar space missions such as her first, except now she is a blonde. And she has more badass gear too.

 

#2

Linda Hamilton

Had Linda Hamilton possessed more of a body of work when it comes to her roles, she would definitely have taken the top spot. However, aside from Terminator 1, Terminator 2 and Children of The Corn, Hamilton's other on-screen appearances aren't even worth mentioning. 'Sarah Connor' began as a simple diner waitress with a scooter and a really terrible haircut. But like most of the citizens of LA, there comes a day in Sarah's when a smelly homeless guy comes back in time to protect you from a motorcycle-riding Cyborg, then gets you pregnant, your kid turns out to be Edward Furlong. After crushing her first Austrian robot in a factory, Sarah ends up in a mental hospital for trying to blow up a CPU company. Anyway, after Apple somehow survived her attack and she gets locked up, she manages to free herself from her room and beats up a bunch of the hospital staff. What a resourceful, methodical woman you are, Linda. I can’t count on all 75 feet and hands how many times I’ve watched the Terminator movies.

 

Sarah Conner is a beast in Terminator 2: she gets slashed, stabbed through the chest, gets stitches, shoots a guy in front of his family, has a gun-fight with an entire swat team, then lowers the only father-figure her son ever had into hot molten lava… she is just a plain beast.

 

#1

Sigourney Weaver

Alas, we come to the top spot… and a well-deserved candidate indeed! Ridley Scott discovered Sigourney while searching for a main character for his upcoming film Alien. And boy did he hit the bullseye on this pick! Weaver’s next main on-screen appearance was as Dana/Zuul in Ghostbusters. Aside from the obvious classic elements of this genius Comedy, Weaver’s acting was the most notable of performances in Ghostbusters. Dana begins as a normal chick in 1980s New York City, who discovers she has demons in her refrigerator, becomes possessed by a malevolent demonic lord called Zuul, then bangs Rick Moranis, gets struck by lightning and turns into a giant demon dog/bear gargoyle-monster in order to summon Gozer. Fucking Rad!! Weaver next appeared in Aliens, the James Cameron sequel to Alien. Ellen Ripley goes through some very drastic changes since her last movie. She is no longer a naïve, simple space pilot. Ripley is now haunted by nightmares of her experience and decides to join the space Marines in returning to the planet where Ripley previously found the alien species who killed her entire crew… both to face her fears and see that the Marines wipe out the entire infested tera-formed colony.

 

We see Ripley undergo a number of terrifying experiences on LB426 (planet name), which leads up to Ripley single-handedly taking on the Queen and her alien hive-guards with nothing but a Pulse Rifle, Flame Thrower, a strip of grenades and her wits. The climax of the film comes where Ripley faces off with the ferocious Queen inside a walking robot-forklift machine… where she manages to, yet again, flush the creature out into space and save the day (and this time save THE SHIP TOO)! Aside from Goonies and Predator, Aliens is definitely the film I’ve watched most in my lifetime. Even to this day, I can put this on and enjoy the whole thing start to finish. And it is solely due to Sigourney’s work… and Bill Paxton. Anyway, Sigourney Weaver has done a wide range of on-screen work: comedy, drama… even cartoon voices! Most notably was her return to the employment of James Cameron for the hit movie Avatar, where she played a largely integral role. I could go on and on about how inspiring and powerful Weaver is, and why she deserves to be at the top of my list… and I feel like I already did that.

Movies That Suck That Rule - Ladyhawke

I first caught this odd movie around 3am during a long stretch of Unemployment, World of Warcraft and Insomnia. Regardless of how obscure this movie really is, Ladyhawke was actually nominated for 2 Oscars. Don't worry though, this movie is still chock full of dumb shit well worth making fun of.

Our tale of mideval heroes and shapeshifting B-List actors starts out with Matthew Broderick escaping from the sewers, where his career would end up again anyway after making the Godzilla remake in the mid 90's. His character is called 'Mouse' due to his abilities as a thief and an escape artist. The main antogonist of this movie is the Bishop of the church.

Mouse is the first person to escape the Bishop's prisons and has a handful of angry knights hot on his tail. The Bishop's men catch up to Mouse, but are foiled by 'Navarre,' a stately knight dressed in black.

Yes that's right - Rutger Hauer has a hawk that obeys him. Bad-ass! This is one of those rare films where Rutger Hauer isn't a crazy robot chasing Harrison Ford in his underwear or a homeless guy shooting people. He actually plays the hero for once. This movie is pretty much a total stinker, but Hauer's performance is still worth watching (at least once). Anyhow, Navarre used to be the leader of the evil Bishop's guards. Amazed that the Mouse was able to escape from the castle, Navarre implores Mouse to help him sneak BACK IN to the castle in order to kill the Bishop. Broderick begrudgingly accepts, much like I'm sure he did when saying "I do" to that donkey-faced hooker from Sex in The City.

As if Matthew Broderick's life as a thief with a terrible haircut wasn't already difficult enough, things get really weird during his trek with his knight friend; at night, Navarre turns into a scary wolf... and his hawk turns into a young Michelle Pfieffer.

"Meoww!... Oh I mean.. CA-CAWWW!!"

 

According to some unbathed crazy guy in the mountains, the Bishop fell in love with Michelle Pfieffer, but she was already in love with... you guessed it! MATTHEW BRODERICK! (Rutger Hauer, duh)

I kid, I kid. Anyway, the Bishop decides that the best course of action to take is making a pact with Satan to curse Isabeau (Pfieffer) and Navarre (Hauer), causing Isabeau to live as a Hawk during the day and Navarre as a Wolf during the evening... forcing them to always be unavailable to both take human form at the same time. Furthermore, neither can remember what they do during their hours in their animal form. Yeah... that definitely seems like alot of extra, unnecessary work, don't you think? Why didn't the Bishop just have them executed? Or poison them or something? Why make a pact with freaking Satan? That shit never works out!

So as I'm sure you probably already figured out, this movie inevitably concludes with Rutger Hauer making his way to the Bishop and slaying him. As expected, this lifts the curse between Navarre and Isabeau - finally allowing them both to stop banging their partner in Hawk / Wolf form. Love prevails again. It's good that this film only ever comes on in the middle of the night... because I wouldn't want to be caught watching this thing by someone during the daytime.

THE END.

5 Things White People Invented That Should Be Apologized For

Dressing Animals In Outfits

If you are a black person who dresses their dog or cat up as such, i apologize; for You, my good friend, have adopted one of the most damnable of 'white people' ways. It's frightening to think that there are children in some countries without clothing (that is, factory-made/store-bought clothing), but there are rich girls pimping their dogs out and carrying them in pricey purses. Most dogs and cats, in their lifetime, will struggle to master the concept of which place is the correct place to urinate/defacate and whether or not to eat it when finished... do you really need a diamond-studded collar and designer clothing for a four-legged piss-and-shit factory? If God wanted my Boston Terrier to wear a shirt and boots, he wouldn't have given him fur and padded-feet with fucking claws.



　

　

The Electric Slide

This song and dance is neither electrical, nor does it contain any manner of sliding in it. What were we thinking with this one, White people? The Electric Slide is like a police field-sobriety test with a shitty 80's song behind it. And they even made a second Electric Slide! The only fun part about being forced to do this in school Phys Ed was trying to knock the unhappy kid next to you down. I may be white... and not particularly good at dancing, but no song bosses me around, God damn it! I'll make up my OWN embarassing dance moves, thank you very much. Walking sideways, clapping a few times and rocking back and forth doesn't constitute a 'dance' in my book.




　

Carriage Rides Through Urban Areas

I know what you're thinking when it comes to transportation; why own a convenient means such as a car, truck or motorcycle when you could have a means that travels 5 miles an hour through the crowded streets of the city, holding up traffic and pedestrians during all hours of the day? Who needs a radio and climate control when you could have an open-topped carriage pulled unwillingly by a beast (who probably wishes it was dead or free) that occasionally takes a 15-pound shit in a bag that hangs a few meters from your nostrils? Okay that will do it for the sarcasm portion of this one. Look... White people already have enough opportunities in each day to make asses out of themselves - is it absolutely necessary to be courted around the busy city in a fucking Horse & Buggy in front of all the frantic people whose schedule for the day does NOT include a fairytale with horsies and picnics? Even as a passenger it seems stupid to do this. I mean why not just take a carriage ride somewhere that's actually romantic? A place maybe with scenery not consisting entirely of concrete and less automobile fumes and less constant, erratic noise and less homeless people willing to stab you for your valuables? But that's just me, I guess.






The Keytar

Somewhere along the course of Rock history, there was a feeble attempt made at trying to make a keyboard player look exciting, instead of just standing in one place while playing. Like most of what went dreadfully wrong with Rock and Roll music, this abomination occured during the 1980's. And it was called the KEYTAR. As a person who has played a variety of instruments on stage I can honestly tell you that there is NO way to make a keyboard player look bad-ass. The only way a keyboard player to kick-ass is to BE a kick ass keyboard player! The Keytar has been out of production since the early 90s, which would be my guess as to why every Keytar still in existence is usually neon pink or some other tastless shade of the 1980s. All Keytars have a handful of settings and all of them generally sound like fucking shit. With that being said - Keytar is definetely the least sucky of the five on this list.

　



Vajazzling

Normally, I'm not opposed to anything Jennifer Love Hewitt does to her nether-regions, but putting jewels and diamonds down THERE is just fucking stupid. Unless a big corporation is renting that space out for good money, what's the point? Bedazzling hats and backpacks never became wholly popular... and to be fair, you can only up-sell a vagina to a certain point. A man doesn't need jewels or decorations - he just needs a VAGINA! I mean, I could understand having your Taint plated in Bronze... but not this. No.

Movies That Suck That Rule - House (1986)

Ah yes, I remember my day bringing this home when I was roughly 5 years old. Though the film is self-described as a 'Comedy Horror,' I can't think of one instance where I found myself ever laughing during this movie as a child. There is some seriously stupid shit in this movie, but also some pretty creepy shit too. Sure it's a little hokey watching it today, but the imagery and creepiness of House still works on a number of levels for me.

The story begins with a crazy old woman living in a haunted house. When she's not busy being tormented by angry, floating gardening tools, she enjoys painting her terrible experiences within her home on canvas. She decides to hang herself, as many people during the 1980's were driven to do, and she leaves her entire inheritance (which is basically just the house) to her Nephew, Roger.

Roger seems like the perfect candidate for a large inheritance; he's a hallucinating, half-crazy Vietnam veteran who is a broke, failing author, half-assed father, his marriage is in shambles... you get the idea. The most hilariouos part about Roger is the fact that he actually LOST his son; not lost as in his son DIED, his son actually went missing during a visit to Roger's now-dead Aunt... inside the HOUSE!

As it turns out, living in Roger's house isn't ALL bad - his next door neighboor turns out to be Norm from Cheers (the character's actual name isn't important, so we shall just call him Norm from Cheers).

"Hey gang, we thwartin' some ghosts?"

Norm politely, but judgementally, befriends Roger in the most sensible way a fat guy could a hallucinating Nam veteran; he brings him snacks late at night and listens awkwardly to his fucked up stories.

The shit hits the fans pretty quick in this movie. One night Roger decides to blow a couple grand on high tech 80's cameras and dress up in army gear in an attempt to photograph a giant monster that previously appeared from the closet in his late Aunt's bedroom and scratched his chest.

Roger sees his Aunt's ghost, who goes on to hang herself as a ghost (sucks!).

A giant mounted swordfish comes to life and makes baby sounds?

The garden tools in the shed levitate and try to stab Roger.

One night his ex-wife shows up and turns into a giant, fat lady-monster (ohhh-kay?) who gets a lickin' from Roger's 12-guage. He then proceeds to dismember the bloated, rubbery corpse and buries in the safest, most well-hidden spot imaginable - his back yard.

As if Roger's life wasn't already hellish enough, his OTHER neighbor (a hot blonde) comes over and pretty much tells him that she'll pay him back in sexual favors if he babysits her son for a few hours. Roger, brimming with the confidence of a father who hasn't already lost his own child, agrees to let the son spend a few hours in his house filled with monsters and angry gardening tools and giant, fanged fat chicks. Well as one could imagine, a few more things go haywire for Roger and the dumb 80s slut's son; One of the hands of the dismembered woman-monster crawls its way back into the house and tries to get the boy. A bunch of freaky, cartoonish, giant-faced ghoul-children try to shove the kid up the chimney (creepy!).

Roger and his pal Norm team up to confront and photograph the monster in Roger's closet one night and Roger is accidentally pulled into the closet by the beast. For some reason, Vietnam is inside Roger's closet. He revisits his most terrible war memory; deciding not to kill his mortally wounded friend "Big Ben" who ends up being taken alive by the enemy and tortured to death.

Now I know what you're thinking - "This movie is great so far, but no true adventure is complete without a trip through the bathroom medicine cabinet." Well... fear not, good movie fans! Roger manages to repell himself (using just a plain, white rope, mind you!) down into the um... the abyss inside the medicine cabinet, where he meets a very unfriendly, claymation skeleton-bat-monster (i apologize for these terrible-sounding creature names, I assure you I'm shooting for accuracy and not just making up words). The skeleton-bat-monster steals Rogers trusty shotgun, shoots Roger's rope and sends him falling into the darkness.

Roger lands safely (and mysteriously) in water. He sees bubbles below the surface and swims down to investigate the source. When he resurfaces for breath, Roger finds himself... back in Vietnam? What the... Okay whatever. Roger finds his son in a cage on the shore and frees him. A man in the darkness is firing a machine at Roger as he rescues his son and goes back underwater to 1986 in America... you can probably imagine who Roger's final encounter of the film is by now.

"Hey dumbass, thanks for not killing me. Also, I found your fucking son."

Big Ben (undead version) follows Roger to his house and starts shooting the entire place up. In the end, Roger just tells Ben that he's not afraid of him or the House anymore, which magically renders Ben completely harmless somehow. Roger pulls a grenade from Big Ben's belt and shoves it into his guts. With the grenade blowing up Ben doing no exterior damage to the house, Roger and his family are re-united. I guess. Maybe he died right after the movie stopped, who knows?

5 Things I Wish I Could Change In Film / TV

1 and 2. Switch Ian McKellar and Christopher Lee as Magneto and Count Dooku

Don't get me wrong, these two both did stellar jobs at these roles, and much like the role of Gandalf in Lord of the Rings; Lee BARELY missed out on the role of Magneto as a result of the craze for Ian McKellar in the late 90s when he landed the two roles. Aside from missing those two projects, Lee missed out on the role of the main villian in the first Harry Potter movie... due to his overexposure as already being the main bad guy in both Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Which is complete bullshit, if you ask me. Lee played dracula 7 times... SEVEN. Some of the Dracula movies were complete turds, none of which were a result of Lee's protrayal as Dracula. Christopher Lee was born to portray the ultimate bad guy. Unfortunately, Lee was quite a bit older than McKellar. He could do the arm work for the lightsaber duels, but not very much with his legs. Lee is a few inches away from 7 feet tall... and his stunt man is 6 foot at BEST. Ian McKellar, as seen in LOTR, had no problem running, climbing a bit, spinning during fights etc. Lee should have been cast as Magneto, who did little-to-no strenuous leg movements whatsoever. Lee's stature and voice would have made a hell of a better Magneto. And in casting Ian McKellar as Count Dooku, you eliminate the need for stunt doubles and tireless hours of CGI'ing Lee's face during the battles! Maybe I'm just being a Purist with this one, but that'd be a damn good switch in my eyes.

　

3. Take Keanu Reeves and Winonah Ryder OUT of Bram Stoker's Dracula. And replace them... with ANYBODY!

Much like toilet water and sardines, Winonah Ryder is an acquired taste... and that acquired taste is a rich person who steals coats from the Mall. She was perfect in Beetlejuice because her character was a depressed weirdo. Her female pal, Lucy, in the film is played by Sadie Frost, a lowly tv actress who brings down the house with her portrayal of Lucy's character. Aside from Gary Oldman's brilliant re-vamping(drumroll! cymbal!) of Dracula himself, I'd dare say that Sadie Frost makes this movie for me. Why couldn't they just pick some other random up-and-coming actress who actually has a REAL European accent? Why pay Winonah Ryder a couple million to butcher one of the most integral roles of a literary classic? Speaking of shitty fake accents, why is the guy from Wild Stallions playing John Harker?

 

Dracula duuude... your baby-eating vampire brides are most excellent!

Here's a better idea! Let Gary Oldman switch his role from Dracula to Harker and get... I dunno, Nick Nolte to play Dracula? That would be better than watching Keanu Reeves for any reason. In my eyes, Keanu Reeves was dead to me after the movie 'Speed.'  He could barely figure out how to act like he was eating a Turkey dinner when he first arrived at Dracula's castle. And that stupid hairstyle with the part down the middle... come on F.F. Coppolla! You're kill' us! What did you do, roll a dice for these actor/actress choices?



4. Stop giving Zoey Deschanell the same role of the quirky, 'breaking-the-mold girl' who sings mediocrely.

We get it, you sing. You sing in a bunch of your movies. You have your own show where you sing the theme song, You're a bubbly, goofy, edgy girl. We get it. Now please play A DIFFERENT role! Know what movie would have been classic for you to sing in? The Happening. That movie was already complete bar-none stupidity. Maybe if Zoey starting singing, the grass and trees would all stop attacking... or just lose interest... or die, like I do a little inside every time my wife puts on one of your movies. If you want to continue to make your mp3s, that's fantastic! Just keep it off the big screen. You may not be jumping the shark yet Zoey... but you're definitely on the motorbike with the engine started.




5. Take Cameron Diaz OUT of Gangs of New York

This is another one similar to my Dracula argument. One or two shitty pieces ruins the whole pie! Leonardo Dicaprio and Daniel Day Lewis are great in the film, but I almost find myself wanting to skip all the scenes with Cameron Diaz altogether. What is it about this woman that makes her watchable to people? Her looks are mediocre on a normal day, in this movie she's even more boring to look at than usual. Her character is painfully unimportant in this movie; aside from setting up Johnny betraying Young Vallon out of jealousy. A hack like Diaz should never even be penned in as a consideration for a movie as grand as classic as this. Ever.