5 REASONS WHY FANTASY FOOTBALL 'PLAYERS' ARE DEFINITELY NOTHING LIKE NERDS

1. Because you pair super-atheletes into hypothetical teams and send them on a week -long adventure against your friends. Next week my team is going into the Mines of Moria.

2. Because your league is a bunch of un-atheletic assholes, who probably are just as good at playing real football as a room full of Magic: The Gathering players.

 

3. Because you have a draft... aka a bunch of dudes with silly team names crunching numbers together once every September.

4. Because you have a League Commissioner... aka a Dungeon Master in denial.

5. Because you spend the end of every fantasy week in a pissing contest over who has the highest score. Yeah, well... I'm still better than you at Mega Man 2.
 

If I Could Make A Street Fighter Movie...

While I'm sure there are fortunate people who haven't wasted 2 hours of their life on the Street Fighter movie from the 1990's, most of us have seen this awful bastard of a movie. Yes, Gomez Adams plays M.Bison, Van-Damma played the main character (for some reason they chose Guile) and they even sprung to get Kylie Minogue (the singer with no acting experience) to play Cammy White.

This movie SUCKED and let's be honest, a good anime movie just doesn't cut it. So with no further words, here is my fantasy cast for a Street Figher-Alpha movie. I haven't included EVERY single character in the Street Figher universe. I mean hey, they can always make sequels!

Main Story Characters

RYU

The central character in the Street Fighter universe. A wandering warrior from Japan who cares only about training and facing the best fighters across the globe. As a teenager, Ryu defeated the world-champion Sagat in his home country of Thailand. Ryu is generally a loner and his only friend is his American friend Ken Masters.

Actor: Daniel Henney (Hawaii 5-0, Wolverine)

 

 

 

 

KEN MASTERS

 

Ryu's childhood friend and training partner. Ken's Shotokan style is identical to his partner's, except more impatient and flamboyant. Born into one of the richest families in the world, Ken has managed to beat every opponent in his path save only two: the former world-champion Sagat and of course, his best friend Ryu.

 

Actor: Garrett Hedlund (Tron:Legacy, Alexander)

 

 

 

 

CHUN LI

 

Actress: Mai Linh (Die Hard 4, Priest)

 

Chun Li is the third most prominent character in the Street Fighter universe. Hailing from China, Chun Li constantly finds herself entangled in the adventures of Ken and Ryu over the years.

 

 

 

 

 

AKUMA

 

Actor: Hiroyuki Sanada (Last Samurai, Rush Hour 3)

 

Akuma is responsible for the death of Ken and Ryu's beloved master. Akuma is literally the opposite side of the coin as Ken and Ryu. He is everything that is evil about the Shotokan way. Every step Ryu takes on his path to Shotokon mastery, he risks becoming Akuma itself. His focus is entirely on killing Ryu and proving himself the ultimate warrior.

 

SUPPORTING CHARACTERS

SAGAT

Sagat was once the undefeated world champion and the fighting pride of his country of Thailand. All of that came crashing down when he was humiliated in battle by a young fighter from Japan named Ryu. The large scar upon Sagat's chest, compliments of Ryu, is a constant reminder of his failures. Sagat is motivated only by the notion of re-challenging Ryu and crushing him to reclaim his mantle as true champion of the world.

Actor: Antonio "Bigfoot Silva (UFC Heavyweight, 6"5)

M. BISON

Bison is essentially the main antagonist in the Street Fighter universe. He is a psychotic warlord bent on total world domination. His self proclaimed "Psycho Power" fighting style renders him nearly invulnerable to defeat in combat. Bison has been known to, in several instances throughout the years, battle both Ken and Ryu at the same time.

Actor: Benedict Cumberbatch (Star Trek: Into Darkness)

VEGA

A famous bullfighter turned bloodthirsty killer from Spain, A complete egotist,Vega enjoys slaying his victim before large crowds inside of a cage. Obsessed with his physical beauty, Vega dawns a theatrical mask during his 'performances' and chooses to wear a claw on one of his hands to flay his adversaries.

Actor: Michael Fassenbender (300, X-Men First Class)

GUY

 

 Guy was the first Final Fight character to be introduced into the Street Fighter universe. He helped Mayor Haggar and Cody defeat the Mad Gear Gang and save Metro City. The character of guy has long been portrayed as difficult to get along with and very short-fused, but ultimately noble in his intentions. His fighting style, Bushin, utilizes brutal speed and no-frills efficiency, which has given Guy a long career of tangling with entire gangs of foes.

 

Actor: Tom Hardy (fuckin Bane from Batman)

 

CODY

Actor: Charlie Hunham (Sons of Anarchy)

After Cody helped Haggar and Guy defeat Mad Gear, his life as a 'hero' would be short lived. Cody used his fighting ability to beat a bloody swatch through the underground fighting circuit and basically fight anyone for any reason. Cody eventually landed himself in jail and escaped soon after. Since then Cody has been continuously on the run, contributing to the havoc he once fought to stop.

GUILE

Actor: Brian Stann (UFC fighter, Decorated Marine)

Everyone knows this guy; the brush cut, the tattoo, the flash kick and sonic boom. And this time he's not being played by a terrible actor from Wales.

BALROG

Actor: Idris Elba (Prometheus, Thor)

Boxer turned Shadowloo criminal, Balrog is one of Bison's most valued assets. Why's the black guy automatically have to be evil? K'mon Capcom!

 

CAMMY WHITE

Actress: Olivia Wilde

British assassin who Bison brainwashes into killing Chun-Li's father.

Music Genres Summed Into One Sentence

Classical/Orchestral Music

"Singing is for dorks, listen to how loud this horn is."


Country/Western

"Cold beer, Dirt Road, Saturday, 'Murica..."


Modern Rock

"The kids at school were mean to me... shut up, Mom!"


Soft Rock

"You're probably having Dental work done, enjoy this Clarinet solo."


Hard Rock

"Being old is awesome... I guess."


Hardcore

"I scream and throw air-punches, but also paint my nails and cry at night."


Metal

"Tune the guitars down a step or two, then let's get sweaty and break shit."


Rap

"Hey look at all this dumb shit I bought... women are all basically whores."


Jazz

"A-Bee Bop Skiddly Bam POW!"


R&B

"I'm probably going to take off my... yeah, I just took my pants off."


Lounge

"This elevator might smell weird... here's a Sinatra song about absolutely nothing."


Punk

"If our music gets us famous, then all of our fans will hate us."


Boy Bands

"Some creepy white guy paired me up with these other dudes and paid us to do weird shit."

Video Game Gripes - part 1 - Dark Souls

"Jesus H. Christ... who trains a Wolf to do that?"

I know I've complained a lot over the years that video games have become watered-down and easy to beat, but Dark Souls is just wrong. I don't have a problem challenging myself but I can't help but feel as though this game (and the bastards who conceived it) isn't just laughing at the dead, frustrated players; they're raping our corpses... and peeing on us! Laughing all the way! Below is a short summary of things that are way out of line with Dark Souls. God damn this game for ever falling into my Xbox tray.

Gripe #1 - Tooltips From Hell

Not only is this game designed to ruin your life, but the meager amount of online playability for some reason allows other players to leave "tooltips" for other players in other games. At first, the tooltips (one would think) are something created within the game. There are messages telling the player how to cast magic, use their weapons, use items, warning against enemies ahead, etc etc. After the player reaches the "main" area of the game, there is a tooltip found on the edge of a cliff that suggests "Try Jumping!" All right, maybe there's a bonus or a dragon will swoop down and grab me in mid air? It wasn't until after aimlessly flinging my character to her death for a solid 30-40 minutes I figured out that some prick left a dick message... there was no bonuses or achievements for killing my character over and over. Someone thought it would be funny to mislead new players into killing themselves repeatedly. Sadly, in hindsight, I can't really disagree that it IS pretty funny. But still... What a shitload of bullshit!

Gripe #2 - The First Level

5 Minutes into the game, the player encounters a giant monster that kills the player in one hit. Why give the player a chance to get a feel for the game? Yeah let's just crush their spirit and make them feel pathetic right off the bat. Of course there's no fucking tooltip that tells you that you're actually supposed to sprint past the giant, find a little hole in the wall, climb a bunch of steps and FALL ON TOP of the bastard's head. Again, I'm not complaining about the fact that this boss took a little figuring out to do... but 5 fucking minutes into the game? Come on!! He is the size of the entire TV screen and he just smashes you in one hit!!

 

 

Gripe #3 - Create Your Character

I think ultimately, this is my favorite gripe and essentially, this is the first punch to the balls this game will give you for no reason. Like a lot of adventure/character building games, Dark Souls begins with the creation of your character. Sex, Skin Color, Hair Color and Style, Height, Weight, etc. So then you begin the game as... a zombified version of yourself? I just wasted all that fucking time designing a character and this game just started me out as a completely different one altogether? Yeah, you have to collect 'Humanity' tokens from things you kill. After you use 2 or 3 of them, your character becomes mortal (and looks like the character YOU designed!). However, becoming mortal allows other players to invade your world and kill you... so there's really no reason to become human. Oh also, If you die... you go back to zombie form again. Super.

I'm sure more gripes will come as I absorb this game with time.

10 Most Pathetic/Hilarious Comic Characters

1. The Blue Bird (Spiderman)

Has the power of chirping loudly. Yeah...

2. MODOK - Mental Organism Designed Only For Killing

Why they put this guy in Marvel vs Capcom 3 I will never know. What a dumb ass character. I didn't think you designed him to make fucking breakfast.

3. Stilt Man (Daredevil)

Yes, a guy on stilts. A remote control car or even a nice gust of wind could mean the demise of this great villain.

4. The Bush Master (Captain America)

The lower half of his body is a snake. Perverts.

5. Champion of the Universe

No specific powers... except the power of every power ever. Ever.

6. Doctor Bong

His head is a bell and so are both of his hands. This guy can't even ride a fucking bike. Why did they give you a cape?

7. The Gardener (Marvel Team Up)

Not only is this guy powerless... but he's old and he never showers. Hey let's get that guy for our super hero team.

8. Infectia (X-Factor)

A girl who infects her victims with a kiss. She's basically a girl from Jersey with a face full of STD's.

9. The Living Mummy (Nick Fury and His Howling Commandos)

Has all the same powers as the Non-Living Mummy, who incidentally has no powers at all. Why the hell did Nick Fury have to fight the Mummy? Is his team the Monster Squad?

10. The Super Apes (Spider Man)

It is amazing how much tasteless crap came out of the Spider Man franchise - including 3 out of the 4 motion pictures. Spider Man can take on Venom and Green Goblin. But why make him do THAT in a comic? Lets make him fight a bunch of apes on steroids. Horray. My Spider-boredom is tingly,

5 Morbidly Confusing and Inappropriate NES Moments Part 1

Naked guy's ass in public shower?  - from River City Ransom

Japanese game designers sure know how to always give the American kids what they want in a game; lots of fighting and kicking ass and... 8-bit Man-Ass? What the hell...? I mean, what kind of guy walks around beating the shit out of street thugs, stealing their coins... and then goes and pays to get naked in a public shower? There's tons of places in the game where you can just buy food and vitamins and stuff like that. What young kid wants to pick the one option to restore Health that makes him stare at naked dude ass?

Hitler's head explodes - from Bionic Commando

It's pretty hard not to enjoy this scene actually.. unless you're a neo-nazi. Bionic Commando was a pretty traditional game so to speak, but man did they crank up the fucking Weird at the end of the game. Hitler's head freaking exploding!

President of USA tells military veterans to Go To Hell  - from Operation Wolf

As if a military veteran failing his mission wasn't already bad enough.... damn! No trial or anything like that. The US Govt. straight up tells the soldiers to not even come home. I wish I could tell my dog that everytime he does something outside that I dislike.

Giant dead spider boss... who is already dead 

- from Monster Party

Making the first boss the easiest is generally a thing found in every game ever made, save just the NES ones. Monster Party went all-in on this one though, the first boss does himself in ahead of time enough to draw flies... but still maintains the capability to inform the player that he is in fact - dead.

Couple has sex in a graveyard, then Satan steals girl  - from Ghosts & Goblins

There's not alot of ways you can slice this one to make it NOT look like what it really IS. He's naked, she's dressed. There was no time to take off the wedding dress or find a place to consummate the marriage other than a surface 6-feet above rows of dead people. Oh... then Satan appears and takes her away... sure, why the fuck not?

Top 5 NES Most Misrepresented 'Movie Games'

 

Incase you didnt notice during the 80's and 90's; Nintendo mastered the art of whipping up a crummy half-wit game, slapping a popular selling movie logo on the game and inevitably... torturing white suburb kids into write angry blogs in their 30's.... Well let't get right to it!

 

Keep in mind, this is not a list of the WORST NES Movie-Games. Just the most poorly represented.

Back To The Future

Game elements actually from Movie: The title screen, the occasional flying skateboard and the last level where you fly the time-machine car.

First off, why is Marty McFly basically a clone of Little Mac from Mike Tyson’s Punch out? Good start to a shitty game. I remember playing this game as a kid and immediately saying to myself “Wow, this game is practically like watching the Back to The Future movies. There’s Marty running aimlessly through the streets in a muscle shirt, with his only weapon; his trusty bowling ball…? Woah! Now there goes Marty dodging oil slicks, getting attacked by birds and dangerous hula-hooping girls. And holy shit… there’s that one scene from the film where Marty is behind the bar in the Malt Shop throwing Milkshakes at oncoming people…? This is rad!”

As far as playability and controls go, this game isn’t terrible as Top Gun or Ghostbusters. That being said, the soundtrack is fucking painful to withstand and there’s really no reason to ever play this game. Ever.

Rating: 2/5 Biffs

 

 

Predator

Game elements actually from Movie: Scorpions, crude cut scene of Arnold finding skinned bodies (nice), an emaciated Predator and Dutch (Arnold).

Every game on this list is bad, don’t get me wrong. But this one they took WAY overboard. There’s actually an option to pause the game, hit any button on your controller and kill yourself… that’s how much hope the designers and programmers had for how fun this game would be for the players.  I’m guessing the Japanese people who made this game probably never saw this movie… or even bothered to figure out what this movie was about.  Our shitty adventure begins with a purple-colored Arnold running unarmed through the 8-bit jungle, which for some reason is littered conveniently with Grenades, Lasers and Machine Guns. Pretty accurate so far? Fret not; this game stays right on-point with the film, scene for scene. That scene where Arnold fights pink ghosts and giant, floating bacteria is included. And the awesome scene where Arnold has to shoot all those evil blue bubbles is in the game, thank God!  The game designers did a great job representing how badass Predator was; he stumbles back and forth, doing front flips and making an elephant sound(?) whenever he gets struck. Arnold can pretty much destroy the Predator with his bare fucking hands, just like in the movie.  In the “Big Mode” level, Predator just floats in the air and lets you shoot him to death. And the game completely captured the excitement of the ending battle. You know which one I mean…the one where Arnold faces off with all his weapons against a giant floating Predator head.

The controls aren’t terrible, but the levels are just plain shitty to navigate, so the controls might as well be terrible. The only thing about this game that is enjoyable is the soundtrack. It sounds trivial but having 3 or 4 game songs is SO much nicer than having the same 5 second tune repeating itself like in Friday The 13^th and Back to the Future.

Rating: 3/5 Macks

Superman

Game elements actually from the Movie: None.

This is by far the absolute worst game on this list. Holy shit this game SUCKS. First and foremost, you can’t even fly. Second, bullets hurt you – GREAT IDEAS SO FAR! Wow, this game really captures the essence of Superman. I mean I could see fucking up the Predator game by not seeing the film. But what dark crevice of the globe contains people who don’t know anything about Superman?  And remember in the one Superman movie when Superman wasn’t able to get into the Subway because he didn’t get a subway pass? And all those awesome scenes fighting 1940’s style Mobsters in the sewer? Yeah and those green, robed aliens and half naked muscle-men that constantly try to run directly into Superman is just like in the comics. Why isn’t Superman able to kick anyone’s ass? It’s just like the in Atari game, where Superman is unable to get to Lex Luther because Lex destroys a bridge. Why would Superman use a bridge? Your pain and suffering experienced while playing Superman for NES is coupled with one of the most painful fucking game soundtracks ever. Yes, they didn’t even include the Superman music. This pile of super shit sounds like the soundtrack was written by a deaf person… and the game looks like it was animated by a blind person. Bad. Just BAD.

Rating: 1/5 Zods

 

 

Top Gun

Game elements actually from Movie: An airplane.

For some reason it seemed as though every one of my friends owned this piece of shit game. This game is one of the first game with Inverted Controls that I can recall (a game where Up is Down, Left is Right, etc). Now I suppose the game company was trying to make it seem like you were actually flying a plane or whatever, but the problem is there are parts in this game that are so impossibly hard… your chances of accomplishing them with normal damn controls would be impossible anyhow! Of all the times I’ve played this game over the years, I’ve probably landed the plane at the end of the level 10% of the time AT BEST. The flying portion of the game is kind of like being dead; you fly aimlessly into a blue abyss, with the occasional white spot of cloud passing by you. This is kind of ironic, since I wished someone would have killed me while I was playing this game as a child.

Rating: 1/5 Lovin' Feelings

 

Rambo

Game elements actually from Movie: Rambo, his superior office and the Jungle.

I know Rambo is ridiculously bad-ass in the movies, but did you know he’s SO badass that he can run shirtless through the jungle aimlessly karate-chopping snakes in the fucking face?! Not just that… but apparently he’s um… able to kill a giant helicopter with just a knife? Okay…? I remember playing this as a kid; oh the hours aimlessly wandering around killing jungle creatures, never getting to fight actual humans – which is basically 100% of what Rambo did in every scene of every one of the films. To be fair, this game wasn’t a total catastrophe, the game company just didn’t feel like putting anything interesting into this game. They figured – hey, it’s Rambo. People will buy it, who cares if it’s a pile of 8-bit assbarf?

2/5 Murdocks

 

 

 

 

Top 5 Most Annoying Video Game Enemies

Cliff Racers from Morrowind (Xbox)

When I first starting playing this game hardcore, Cliff Racers made me temporarily phobic of anything in the sky that was larger than a pigeon. These annoying enemies attack the traveling player constantly on his journey. Cliff Racers always seem to come at the worst time and always manage to sneak up on you ! To a low level character, especially a new player, these attacks can be devastating. Many of them carry debilitating diseases that force the player to drop everything in their inventory, hoof it back to town, get a cure, then hoof it BACK to your dropped gear… and this is one of those games where you can’t mark the map where you dropped your stuff. Often times, Cliff Racers hunt in packs of 2 or more and still manage to relentlessly attack the player at impossibly high levels. Seriously where are these things breeding and why are they so fucking angry?

2. Grim Reaper from Castlevania (NES)

I like the Castlevania version of Dracula – he’s so fucking badass that DEATH HIMSELF takes orders from him. The Reaper from Castlevania 1 may easily be the hardest 8-bit boss of all time. Little scythes spawn in the air and attack Simon Belmont from every angle. This boss is so unfair, if you do manage to beat him… killing Dracula will seem like fighting a crippled infant. There’s no actual strategy to beating the Grim Reaper… shit just appears all around you while you try and whip Death’s fucking ass as he flies around. You just have to get lucky… REALLY lucky. Hardest NES boss hands-down.

3. Ghost-Windsock-Monster from Ghosts & Goblins

This game is one of the most challenging games of all time; both in the arcade as well as the console spectrums. And while there are far more fucked up and unfair monsters in this game, the Ghost-Socks are the only monster that emits a sound; which is a taunting, high-pitched noise that CONSTANTLY GOES OFF while the bastards are alive.. It flies back and forth, dropping Ghost shit from above (and you cannot shoot upwards in this game by the way)… half of the time they are totally out of reach and the player is forced to navigate around the bullets with this game’s stiff ass, sluggish controls.

4. "Watch My Dance" Zombies from Monster Party (NES)

They don’t do shit like this in a lot of NES games.. and thank God. This boss simply requires the player to NOT hit the enemies… and just sit there and fucking wait. Can you imagine some kid today logging on to play some shooter on Xbox live that requires you to not shoot or move to get the best score? I’ve fought this annoying boss quite a few times since 1^st grade, and I never could decipher a total amount of time this boss takes to… dance itself to death. Some times it seemed like it took a minute, other seemed like 10 minutes. Either way, a boss that requires a kid to just sit there and wait is plain fucked up.

5. The Evil Mailbox from ToeJam & Earl (Sega Genesis)

There are a lot of ridiculous enemies in this Sega classic, but not are as cruel as the evil Mailbox. I haven’t used a mailbox since I played this game, nor do I plan on using one in the future (because of this game). Most enemies you can avoid one way or the other, but you HAVE to use the mailbox at certain times in TJ & E. And sometimes… the fucking thing attacks you, runs you down and ends up killing you! Monsters are one thing, but monsters on a government salary is quite another!