The 4 Most-Inspiring Females of My Childhood

#4

Karen Allen

Marion Ravenwood was the OG of Indiana Jones girls... and in the end Indy chose to marry her. Marion was the kind of gal who was tender and loving, but could also outdrink a farmer from Nepal with quadruple her body mass. Marion isn't exactly the 'Damsel in Distress' type either - she's quick to pick up a frying pan and lend her man a hand during an Egyptian street fight. And even though Marion does seem to get captured pretty frequently throughout her years, she never goes cooperatively... her ability to constantly yell and call her captors rude names is unequaled.

 

It is truly a crying shame how badly Spielberg gave Karen Allen the shaft with the Indy sequel. Sure, she made it back for the 4th installment of the Indy movies, but by that point who gives a fuck? Harrison Ford is older than dinosaur shit and for some reason that douche from Transformers is now part of the cast. Karen’s full body of theatrical work is pretty unimpressive, unfortunately. She debuted in Animal House, which was a classic, and played alongside Bill Murray in Scrooged, which is the only watchable Christmas movie (A Christmas Story is dumb and not funny at all, period).

 

#3

Samus Aran

The first Metroid was a total bitch to ever even get close to completing. But with the invention of cheat codes, everybody eventually got to experience the twist of an ending: the hero removes their space suit to reveal an alien girl in a bikini! Then you get the option of RE-playing this fucking game as an under-dressed alien hooker. Great!

 

Metroid Prime for the Nintendo Gamecube was one of IGN's first games to get a Perfect 10/10 review - even if that game was impossibly hard, you got to see thing from Samus' first-person POV! There is no situation that our gal Samus can't shoot, bomb, flip or roller-ball her way out of! Samus basically kicked an entire planet's ass in the original Metroid, and then managed to out-run the planet-wide explosion safely. Bad ass! Samus has been taking on similar space missions such as her first, except now she is a blonde. And she has more badass gear too.

 

#2

Linda Hamilton

Had Linda Hamilton possessed more of a body of work when it comes to her roles, she would definitely have taken the top spot. However, aside from Terminator 1, Terminator 2 and Children of The Corn, Hamilton's other on-screen appearances aren't even worth mentioning. 'Sarah Connor' began as a simple diner waitress with a scooter and a really terrible haircut. But like most of the citizens of LA, there comes a day in Sarah's when a smelly homeless guy comes back in time to protect you from a motorcycle-riding Cyborg, then gets you pregnant, your kid turns out to be Edward Furlong. After crushing her first Austrian robot in a factory, Sarah ends up in a mental hospital for trying to blow up a CPU company. Anyway, after Apple somehow survived her attack and she gets locked up, she manages to free herself from her room and beats up a bunch of the hospital staff. What a resourceful, methodical woman you are, Linda. I can’t count on all 75 feet and hands how many times I’ve watched the Terminator movies.

 

Sarah Conner is a beast in Terminator 2: she gets slashed, stabbed through the chest, gets stitches, shoots a guy in front of his family, has a gun-fight with an entire swat team, then lowers the only father-figure her son ever had into hot molten lava… she is just a plain beast.

 

#1

Sigourney Weaver

Alas, we come to the top spot… and a well-deserved candidate indeed! Ridley Scott discovered Sigourney while searching for a main character for his upcoming film Alien. And boy did he hit the bullseye on this pick! Weaver’s next main on-screen appearance was as Dana/Zuul in Ghostbusters. Aside from the obvious classic elements of this genius Comedy, Weaver’s acting was the most notable of performances in Ghostbusters. Dana begins as a normal chick in 1980s New York City, who discovers she has demons in her refrigerator, becomes possessed by a malevolent demonic lord called Zuul, then bangs Rick Moranis, gets struck by lightning and turns into a giant demon dog/bear gargoyle-monster in order to summon Gozer. Fucking Rad!! Weaver next appeared in Aliens, the James Cameron sequel to Alien. Ellen Ripley goes through some very drastic changes since her last movie. She is no longer a naïve, simple space pilot. Ripley is now haunted by nightmares of her experience and decides to join the space Marines in returning to the planet where Ripley previously found the alien species who killed her entire crew… both to face her fears and see that the Marines wipe out the entire infested tera-formed colony.

 

We see Ripley undergo a number of terrifying experiences on LB426 (planet name), which leads up to Ripley single-handedly taking on the Queen and her alien hive-guards with nothing but a Pulse Rifle, Flame Thrower, a strip of grenades and her wits. The climax of the film comes where Ripley faces off with the ferocious Queen inside a walking robot-forklift machine… where she manages to, yet again, flush the creature out into space and save the day (and this time save THE SHIP TOO)! Aside from Goonies and Predator, Aliens is definitely the film I’ve watched most in my lifetime. Even to this day, I can put this on and enjoy the whole thing start to finish. And it is solely due to Sigourney’s work… and Bill Paxton. Anyway, Sigourney Weaver has done a wide range of on-screen work: comedy, drama… even cartoon voices! Most notably was her return to the employment of James Cameron for the hit movie Avatar, where she played a largely integral role. I could go on and on about how inspiring and powerful Weaver is, and why she deserves to be at the top of my list… and I feel like I already did that.

Movies That Suck That Rule - Ladyhawke

I first caught this odd movie around 3am during a long stretch of Unemployment, World of Warcraft and Insomnia. Regardless of how obscure this movie really is, Ladyhawke was actually nominated for 2 Oscars. Don't worry though, this movie is still chock full of dumb shit well worth making fun of.

Our tale of mideval heroes and shapeshifting B-List actors starts out with Matthew Broderick escaping from the sewers, where his career would end up again anyway after making the Godzilla remake in the mid 90's. His character is called 'Mouse' due to his abilities as a thief and an escape artist. The main antogonist of this movie is the Bishop of the church.

Mouse is the first person to escape the Bishop's prisons and has a handful of angry knights hot on his tail. The Bishop's men catch up to Mouse, but are foiled by 'Navarre,' a stately knight dressed in black.

Yes that's right - Rutger Hauer has a hawk that obeys him. Bad-ass! This is one of those rare films where Rutger Hauer isn't a crazy robot chasing Harrison Ford in his underwear or a homeless guy shooting people. He actually plays the hero for once. This movie is pretty much a total stinker, but Hauer's performance is still worth watching (at least once). Anyhow, Navarre used to be the leader of the evil Bishop's guards. Amazed that the Mouse was able to escape from the castle, Navarre implores Mouse to help him sneak BACK IN to the castle in order to kill the Bishop. Broderick begrudgingly accepts, much like I'm sure he did when saying "I do" to that donkey-faced hooker from Sex in The City.

As if Matthew Broderick's life as a thief with a terrible haircut wasn't already difficult enough, things get really weird during his trek with his knight friend; at night, Navarre turns into a scary wolf... and his hawk turns into a young Michelle Pfieffer.

"Meoww!... Oh I mean.. CA-CAWWW!!"

 

According to some unbathed crazy guy in the mountains, the Bishop fell in love with Michelle Pfieffer, but she was already in love with... you guessed it! MATTHEW BRODERICK! (Rutger Hauer, duh)

I kid, I kid. Anyway, the Bishop decides that the best course of action to take is making a pact with Satan to curse Isabeau (Pfieffer) and Navarre (Hauer), causing Isabeau to live as a Hawk during the day and Navarre as a Wolf during the evening... forcing them to always be unavailable to both take human form at the same time. Furthermore, neither can remember what they do during their hours in their animal form. Yeah... that definitely seems like alot of extra, unnecessary work, don't you think? Why didn't the Bishop just have them executed? Or poison them or something? Why make a pact with freaking Satan? That shit never works out!

So as I'm sure you probably already figured out, this movie inevitably concludes with Rutger Hauer making his way to the Bishop and slaying him. As expected, this lifts the curse between Navarre and Isabeau - finally allowing them both to stop banging their partner in Hawk / Wolf form. Love prevails again. It's good that this film only ever comes on in the middle of the night... because I wouldn't want to be caught watching this thing by someone during the daytime.

THE END.

5 Things White People Invented That Should Be Apologized For

Dressing Animals In Outfits

If you are a black person who dresses their dog or cat up as such, i apologize; for You, my good friend, have adopted one of the most damnable of 'white people' ways. It's frightening to think that there are children in some countries without clothing (that is, factory-made/store-bought clothing), but there are rich girls pimping their dogs out and carrying them in pricey purses. Most dogs and cats, in their lifetime, will struggle to master the concept of which place is the correct place to urinate/defacate and whether or not to eat it when finished... do you really need a diamond-studded collar and designer clothing for a four-legged piss-and-shit factory? If God wanted my Boston Terrier to wear a shirt and boots, he wouldn't have given him fur and padded-feet with fucking claws.



　

　

The Electric Slide

This song and dance is neither electrical, nor does it contain any manner of sliding in it. What were we thinking with this one, White people? The Electric Slide is like a police field-sobriety test with a shitty 80's song behind it. And they even made a second Electric Slide! The only fun part about being forced to do this in school Phys Ed was trying to knock the unhappy kid next to you down. I may be white... and not particularly good at dancing, but no song bosses me around, God damn it! I'll make up my OWN embarassing dance moves, thank you very much. Walking sideways, clapping a few times and rocking back and forth doesn't constitute a 'dance' in my book.




　

Carriage Rides Through Urban Areas

I know what you're thinking when it comes to transportation; why own a convenient means such as a car, truck or motorcycle when you could have a means that travels 5 miles an hour through the crowded streets of the city, holding up traffic and pedestrians during all hours of the day? Who needs a radio and climate control when you could have an open-topped carriage pulled unwillingly by a beast (who probably wishes it was dead or free) that occasionally takes a 15-pound shit in a bag that hangs a few meters from your nostrils? Okay that will do it for the sarcasm portion of this one. Look... White people already have enough opportunities in each day to make asses out of themselves - is it absolutely necessary to be courted around the busy city in a fucking Horse & Buggy in front of all the frantic people whose schedule for the day does NOT include a fairytale with horsies and picnics? Even as a passenger it seems stupid to do this. I mean why not just take a carriage ride somewhere that's actually romantic? A place maybe with scenery not consisting entirely of concrete and less automobile fumes and less constant, erratic noise and less homeless people willing to stab you for your valuables? But that's just me, I guess.






The Keytar

Somewhere along the course of Rock history, there was a feeble attempt made at trying to make a keyboard player look exciting, instead of just standing in one place while playing. Like most of what went dreadfully wrong with Rock and Roll music, this abomination occured during the 1980's. And it was called the KEYTAR. As a person who has played a variety of instruments on stage I can honestly tell you that there is NO way to make a keyboard player look bad-ass. The only way a keyboard player to kick-ass is to BE a kick ass keyboard player! The Keytar has been out of production since the early 90s, which would be my guess as to why every Keytar still in existence is usually neon pink or some other tastless shade of the 1980s. All Keytars have a handful of settings and all of them generally sound like fucking shit. With that being said - Keytar is definetely the least sucky of the five on this list.

　



Vajazzling

Normally, I'm not opposed to anything Jennifer Love Hewitt does to her nether-regions, but putting jewels and diamonds down THERE is just fucking stupid. Unless a big corporation is renting that space out for good money, what's the point? Bedazzling hats and backpacks never became wholly popular... and to be fair, you can only up-sell a vagina to a certain point. A man doesn't need jewels or decorations - he just needs a VAGINA! I mean, I could understand having your Taint plated in Bronze... but not this. No.

Movies That Suck That Rule - House (1986)

Ah yes, I remember my day bringing this home when I was roughly 5 years old. Though the film is self-described as a 'Comedy Horror,' I can't think of one instance where I found myself ever laughing during this movie as a child. There is some seriously stupid shit in this movie, but also some pretty creepy shit too. Sure it's a little hokey watching it today, but the imagery and creepiness of House still works on a number of levels for me.

The story begins with a crazy old woman living in a haunted house. When she's not busy being tormented by angry, floating gardening tools, she enjoys painting her terrible experiences within her home on canvas. She decides to hang herself, as many people during the 1980's were driven to do, and she leaves her entire inheritance (which is basically just the house) to her Nephew, Roger.

Roger seems like the perfect candidate for a large inheritance; he's a hallucinating, half-crazy Vietnam veteran who is a broke, failing author, half-assed father, his marriage is in shambles... you get the idea. The most hilariouos part about Roger is the fact that he actually LOST his son; not lost as in his son DIED, his son actually went missing during a visit to Roger's now-dead Aunt... inside the HOUSE!

As it turns out, living in Roger's house isn't ALL bad - his next door neighboor turns out to be Norm from Cheers (the character's actual name isn't important, so we shall just call him Norm from Cheers).

"Hey gang, we thwartin' some ghosts?"

Norm politely, but judgementally, befriends Roger in the most sensible way a fat guy could a hallucinating Nam veteran; he brings him snacks late at night and listens awkwardly to his fucked up stories.

The shit hits the fans pretty quick in this movie. One night Roger decides to blow a couple grand on high tech 80's cameras and dress up in army gear in an attempt to photograph a giant monster that previously appeared from the closet in his late Aunt's bedroom and scratched his chest.

Roger sees his Aunt's ghost, who goes on to hang herself as a ghost (sucks!).

A giant mounted swordfish comes to life and makes baby sounds?

The garden tools in the shed levitate and try to stab Roger.

One night his ex-wife shows up and turns into a giant, fat lady-monster (ohhh-kay?) who gets a lickin' from Roger's 12-guage. He then proceeds to dismember the bloated, rubbery corpse and buries in the safest, most well-hidden spot imaginable - his back yard.

As if Roger's life wasn't already hellish enough, his OTHER neighbor (a hot blonde) comes over and pretty much tells him that she'll pay him back in sexual favors if he babysits her son for a few hours. Roger, brimming with the confidence of a father who hasn't already lost his own child, agrees to let the son spend a few hours in his house filled with monsters and angry gardening tools and giant, fanged fat chicks. Well as one could imagine, a few more things go haywire for Roger and the dumb 80s slut's son; One of the hands of the dismembered woman-monster crawls its way back into the house and tries to get the boy. A bunch of freaky, cartoonish, giant-faced ghoul-children try to shove the kid up the chimney (creepy!).

Roger and his pal Norm team up to confront and photograph the monster in Roger's closet one night and Roger is accidentally pulled into the closet by the beast. For some reason, Vietnam is inside Roger's closet. He revisits his most terrible war memory; deciding not to kill his mortally wounded friend "Big Ben" who ends up being taken alive by the enemy and tortured to death.

Now I know what you're thinking - "This movie is great so far, but no true adventure is complete without a trip through the bathroom medicine cabinet." Well... fear not, good movie fans! Roger manages to repell himself (using just a plain, white rope, mind you!) down into the um... the abyss inside the medicine cabinet, where he meets a very unfriendly, claymation skeleton-bat-monster (i apologize for these terrible-sounding creature names, I assure you I'm shooting for accuracy and not just making up words). The skeleton-bat-monster steals Rogers trusty shotgun, shoots Roger's rope and sends him falling into the darkness.

Roger lands safely (and mysteriously) in water. He sees bubbles below the surface and swims down to investigate the source. When he resurfaces for breath, Roger finds himself... back in Vietnam? What the... Okay whatever. Roger finds his son in a cage on the shore and frees him. A man in the darkness is firing a machine at Roger as he rescues his son and goes back underwater to 1986 in America... you can probably imagine who Roger's final encounter of the film is by now.

"Hey dumbass, thanks for not killing me. Also, I found your fucking son."

Big Ben (undead version) follows Roger to his house and starts shooting the entire place up. In the end, Roger just tells Ben that he's not afraid of him or the House anymore, which magically renders Ben completely harmless somehow. Roger pulls a grenade from Big Ben's belt and shoves it into his guts. With the grenade blowing up Ben doing no exterior damage to the house, Roger and his family are re-united. I guess. Maybe he died right after the movie stopped, who knows?