5 Stupid Things White Girls Started On Social Media

1. Taking Stupid Photos Of Yourself Because Nobody Else Wants To

It's going to be great when you look back at your photos in 40 years and find one million trashy photos of you, taken by yourself in the bathroom mirror of a bar restroom. I mean, what more could a girl want in the background to compliment her beauty than a giant piece of porcelain that has been shit into, pissed into and vomited into by hordes of strangers? And nothing makes you look more cool than NOT having one additional person in your life that can take your picture for you. Here's a hint, if nobody else thinks you're interesting enough to spend 5 seconds taking a photo of you, chances are nobody is going to think you're very interesting after being forced to look at you photographing yourself. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to give a flying fuck... well, you know the rest.


2. Writing Stupid Open Letters To Inanimate Places And Things

Dear Starbucks,

Please stop making your triple mocha latte so delicious. All this caffeine hurts my asshole and my bank account.

Your friend...


Dear Monday,

Ugh you suck so bad. Plz go awak k thx bai.

Sincerely...

When did it become cool to write fake letters to things that can't even read or receive mail? Do you people really need to express the stupidest of thoughts into fucking letter-form?

Dear Philadelphia Eagles,

Just quit now, fire Andy Reid and get new coordinators. This is bullshit!

Your friend...


Dear Kahlua and Cream,

I love you so. You treat me so right.

Regards...


3. Posting Stupid Pictures Of Food That Looks Barely Edible

What's the one thing that's more pointless and annoying than someone posting what they're eating on social media? People taking pictures of their stupid food. Are you trying to make starving people jealous of the fact that someone cooked you a home-made grilled cheese? I understand that picture counts and limited rolls of film no longer exist, but could you possibly waste a photo on something more retarted? Why do I not see people Instagramming pictures of their poop? I mean it's the same damn thing, isn't it? It's just your food in an advanced stage of nobody giving a shit. Oh wow, your girlfriend made you french toast or mac & fucking cheese? TAKE A PICTURE, YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS MICROWAVABLE MEAL MOMENT BACK... EVER!


4. Posting Stupid Pictures With Other People's Babies

Unless you're related in some close way to someone's newborn piss-and-shit factory, you have no reason to be showing off someone else's hard work to your social media friends. Here's an idea, why dont you take a picture of yourself behind an over-sized drum kit and pretend you play for the band Rush? Or maybe I can walk through the parking lot of the mall and take my picture next to a flashy, expensive car and pretend it belongs to me? That'd be just as genuine as photographing yourself pretending to be motherly/fatherly by holding someone else's child. Women are usually the majority violators on this one. Ladies, if you enjoy people redundantly commenting "aww thats so cute, so so so precious and beautiful!", then go get pregnant and HAVE YOUR OWN CHILD!


5. Quoting Stupid Country Music Songs Right After A Breakup To Show How You're Totally Moving On

<3 <3 Weeeee... are never ever ever... getting back together! .... Like, everrrrrrr! <3 <3
This girl is movin onnnnnn... I ain't settlin'!

"God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you..."

Want to know what would convince me that a girl is strong-hearted and has her shit together? If she didn't listen to country music and didn't repeatedly fall in love with scumbags! With all the depth and knowledge you classy ladies have procured from country music lyrics, I'm sure now there is NO chance of you ever making the same mistake again. Country music doesn't speak to the heart and soul, it speaks to the pea-sized brains it's suburban female listeners whose boyfriends end up in a shirtless chase through a trailer park on an episode of Cops.

"All my ex's are in Texas... yee haww!"

Top 5 Biggest Train-Wreck Sequals

After trying for a solid five minutes to sort these 5 bags of cinematic shit, I decided just to list them in NO particular order. And no, I did not include the Return To Oz. Don't you say anything bad about that movie... ever!

Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines

Well it looks like we start our list with this steaming pile of buttfuck. I swear, Michael Bay must be some sort of clairvoyant or something; he always knows exactly what I want to see in a movie! I mean he nailed it when he said to himself, "I know what all those kids who grew up in the 80's and 90's who idolized T1 and T2 want to see - lets take their old, broken-down, 60 year old childhood hero and make him get his fucking ass kicked by a skinny blonde girl." That is fucking demeaning! Here's a question: If John Connor is the leader of the entire Human Resistance and the most important person on the planet, why does he keep sending analog, outdated Arnold back in time to protect him from other terminators with way more advanced shit? I know it sounds pretty funny saying this, but Arnold's acting is extra bad in this one. But alas... you can always make a bad movie watchable if you add a hot female co-star! Yeah, how about we get Claire Danes?

What the hell? Why didn't Michael Bay just put a red wig on Edward Furlong and make him play the female role. I'm pretty sure he just kicked Smack and he could use the paycheck if he's still alive. Anyway, I think Arnold shoots a bunch of shit. I don't remember, nor do I want to remember. Thanks for taking a giant shit on my childhood, you asshole!

Jaws 3 (or Jaws 3-D)

I'm not saying ANY of the Jaws sequals are good, but Jaws 2 and Jaws:The Revenge are at least watchable. But Jaws 3... wow. How bad can you possibly fuck up something so simple? Half of the shots of Jaws are completely unrelated shots from what looks like the Discovery Channel footage. One moment you have a discolored, cheap model of a shark, the next you have a totally different shark for no reason. This movie was already so bad... why didn't they just do the WHOLE movie with the shitty fake shark models? That would have made Jaws 3 a cult classic.

So the premise of this one is that a baby great white shark gets captured at fucking Sea World by Dennis Quaid and his whale-bio nerds. And little Jaws' mama isnt too happy about that. Oh, random fact - the video game Jaws is loosely based off of this movie (you fight little Jaws and big Jaws as the main challenge). And like all terrible things in life, Dennis Quaid always wins the day.

Exorcist II: The Heretic

Of the five films I have listed in this blog, this one is definitely my favorite. Wow, this movie is the mecca of overbudgeted failures. This movie isn't a train wreck, it's a fucking plane crash into a train wreck. As it turns out, young Reagan was not possessed by the Devil. No no no... turns out it was a flying locust-demon named Pazuzu. That makes total sense actually... since Reagan specifically said "I'm the Devil! Now kindly undo these straps!" in the original Exorcist. Max Von Sydow makes another appearance for a few abstract scenes here and there. Reagan is now older and undergoes some sort of non-existant hypnosis with flashing lights and sounds.

She begins to remember her experiences during the first Exorcism, she tries to commit sleepwalk-suicide and eventually returns to her childhood home to face... um, the demonic version of herself? The film climaxes with Reagan twirling around like an idiot in a swarm of insane locusts. What the fuck were they thinking?

Halloween III: Season of The Witch

I know I said there was no real order to these five movies - but THIS one is by far the worst of the batch. The first most-noticeable thing about this movie is that Michael Meyers ISN'T EVEN IN IT! Nope, they just made up a dumb fucking movie about magically evil Halloween masks and an abandoned town. The cast members are about as much worth mentioning as the smell and color of my last 10 shits. So this company "Silver Shamrock" is making and distributing masks that, when worn on Halloween night during a specific commercial on TV, kill the wearer by melting their head... or something.

"Woot! Time to fucking die, finally!"

 Michael Meyers worked perfectly in the first two Halloween movies, so logic would tell you to... make a fucking dumb movie about a company that makes evil masks and simply slap the 'Halloween' brand on it so it will be accepted as a reputable film. In short, the main protagonist of the movie tries to infiltrate the factory where the masks are created, but fails. And a bunch of kids get their heads melted. Whatever.

Alien Ressurrection

You'd think after Alien 3 was cranked out of Hollywood's anus, the series would have ended (mainly due to the fact that Ripley plunged herself into molten metal). But no sir, nooo no no! They bring Ripley back via cloning... and they make her HALF ALIEN! Wow! This movie is going to... suck balls! Winonah Ryder's acting is appropriately robotic this time... since her character is actually a robot. They make a reverse version of Ripley, which is a big fleshy alien, which thinks Ripley is its mother.

"Call Maury Povich... this one clearly aint mine..."

The ending scene is a touching scene where the alien is slowly devoured through a breach in the aircraft hull, slowly and painfully sucking the creature out as it helplessly screams and reaches for its mother for help. At one point, Sigourney Weaver finds a laboratory with the failed trial experiments that lead up to her creation via-cloning. Ripley finds a half-mangled, one-breasted version of herself that begs for death... Ripley sets the creature on fire with tears a-flowing. Not even Mario Van Peebles, the bad guy from The Crow and Ron Pearlman could salvage the watchability of this fucking shit movie! I would rather watch Alien 3 in Spanish with Arabic subtitles than ever watch Alien Ressurrection ever again!

Proof That Patrick Swayze's Soul Still Roams The Earth... And Hates Mitt Romney!

I have no clue who the guy controlling this Facebook profile actually is... but he is fucking hilarious.