Thursday, September 27, 2012

5 Things I Wish I Could Change In Film / TV

1 and 2. Switch Ian McKellar and Christopher Lee as Magneto and Count Dooku



Don't get me wrong, these two both did stellar jobs at these roles, and much like the role of Gandalf in Lord of the Rings; Lee BARELY missed out on the role of Magneto as a result of the craze for Ian McKellar in the late 90s when he landed the two roles. Aside from missing those two projects, Lee missed out on the role of the main villian in the first Harry Potter movie... due to his overexposure as already being the main bad guy in both Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Which is complete bullshit, if you ask me. Lee played dracula 7 times... SEVEN. Some of the Dracula movies were complete turds, none of which were a result of Lee's protrayal as Dracula. Christopher Lee was born to portray the ultimate bad guy. Unfortunately, Lee was quite a bit older than McKellar. He could do the arm work for the lightsaber duels, but not very much with his legs. Lee is a few inches away from 7 feet tall... and his stunt man is 6 foot at BEST. Ian McKellar, as seen in LOTR, had no problem running, climbing a bit, spinning during fights etc. Lee should have been cast as Magneto, who did little-to-no strenuous leg movements whatsoever. Lee's stature and voice would have made a hell of a better Magneto. And in casting Ian McKellar as Count Dooku, you eliminate the need for stunt doubles and tireless hours of CGI'ing Lee's face during the battles! Maybe I'm just being a Purist with this one, but that'd be a damn good switch in my eyes.

 

3. Take Keanu Reeves and Winonah Ryder OUT of Bram Stoker's Dracula. And replace them... with ANYBODY!



Much like toilet water and sardines, Winonah Ryder is an acquired taste... and that acquired taste is a rich person who steals coats from the Mall. She was perfect in Beetlejuice because her character was a depressed weirdo. Her female pal, Lucy, in the film is played by Sadie Frost, a lowly tv actress who brings down the house with her portrayal of Lucy's character. Aside from Gary Oldman's brilliant re-vamping(drumroll! cymbal!) of Dracula himself, I'd dare say that Sadie Frost makes this movie for me. Why couldn't they just pick some other random up-and-coming actress who actually has a REAL European accent? Why pay Winonah Ryder a couple million to butcher one of the most integral roles of a literary classic? Speaking of shitty fake accents, why is the guy from Wild Stallions playing John Harker?

 
Dracula duuude... your baby-eating vampire brides are most excellent!


Here's a better idea! Let Gary Oldman switch his role from Dracula to Harker and get... I dunno, Nick Nolte to play Dracula? That would be better than watching Keanu Reeves for any reason. In my eyes, Keanu Reeves was dead to me after the movie 'Speed.'  He could barely figure out how to act like he was eating a Turkey dinner when he first arrived at Dracula's castle. And that stupid hairstyle with the part down the middle... come on F.F. Coppolla! You're kill' us! What did you do, roll a dice for these actor/actress choices?



4. Stop giving Zoey Deschanell the same role of the quirky, 'breaking-the-mold girl' who sings mediocrely.



We get it, you sing. You sing in a bunch of your movies. You have your own show where you sing the theme song, You're a bubbly, goofy, edgy girl. We get it. Now please play A DIFFERENT role! Know what movie would have been classic for you to sing in? The Happening. That movie was already complete bar-none stupidity. Maybe if Zoey starting singing, the grass and trees would all stop attacking... or just lose interest... or die, like I do a little inside every time my wife puts on one of your movies. If you want to continue to make your mp3s, that's fantastic! Just keep it off the big screen. You may not be jumping the shark yet Zoey... but you're definitely on the motorbike with the engine started.




5. Take Cameron Diaz OUT of Gangs of New York



This is another one similar to my Dracula argument. One or two shitty pieces ruins the whole pie! Leonardo Dicaprio and Daniel Day Lewis are great in the film, but I almost find myself wanting to skip all the scenes with Cameron Diaz altogether. What is it about this woman that makes her watchable to people? Her looks are mediocre on a normal day, in this movie she's even more boring to look at than usual. Her character is painfully unimportant in this movie; aside from setting up Johnny betraying Young Vallon out of jealousy. A hack like Diaz should never even be penned in as a consideration for a movie as grand as classic as this. Ever.

 

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