Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Movies That Suck That Rule - Orca


We all know there are more than a handful of Shark-based movies, most of which turn out to be comedy movies by accident. Thankfully, there are only a few movies about Whales; which are all friendly, kiddy-type films like Free Willy. But there's always ONE guy who breaks the mold, blazes his own path and exclaims to the world of film, "WHALES ARE FUCKING EVIL!"

To be fair, Orca came out in 1977. It was the first Whale-based movie... and should have been the last, to be sure. So it's not as though someone took Free Willy and turned it into something violent and fucked up - although you never know what Michael Bay is going to dig up and ruin next! This may seem pretty surprising, but this film is basically the same as Jaws. I find that this film gives the viewer more of an uneasy feeling than when watching Jaws. A cop, oceanographer and a drunken pirate doing 90 minutes of battle with a giant Great White shark is just plain epic. A whale is supposed to be something cute and normally harmless to humans. This movie is the complete opposite of epic. It's actually pretty damn sad.

We start out with Captain Nolan and a cast of complete nobodies - when Bo Derek is the most famed participant in a movie, you know you're in for a steamy pile of a movie. Nolan is trying to catch a Great White Shark in the local area for the nearby Aquarium. One of his crew, Ken's, life is endangered by the Shark, but his life is saved when a pair of killer Whales come along and deal with the shark. As a token of thanks, Captain Nolan attempts to capture the male Orca. But being the drunken Irish prick that he is, Nolan accidentally harpoons the female who proceeds to have a big nasty miscarriage on the ships deck... then dies. The male Orca cries out in complete and utter agony at the sight of his dead mate and child. This traumatic scene is just the first bite of your shit sandwich. There's more to come! Come on, fucking seriously, a whale having a miscarriage? I want to be scared, not scarred for life!!



Your boat name sucks ass by the way.
 

As you can probably guess, the male Orca is pretty unhappy about this. He starts sinking boats and killing people in the local area. The Orca is basically a genius. The fucking whale breaks through the fuel lines and causes an explosion in the fuel reserve on land.  Seems like a perfect time for ol' Captain Nolan to toddle off to another port. Nope, the townsfolk force him to stay and 'deal with' the whale problem that he created.




Apparently Orca ups the ante when it comes to how much shit a giant fish can break. The killer whale literally fucking destroys an entire house... A WHOLE HOUSE! Not just that, the angry whale bites off Bo Dereck's leg. Put that in your French-braid and smoke it, hippy!

 
 
 
 

And so the hunt begins, following close suit to Jaws. Captain Nolan is not only half as good of a Captain as Quint from Jaws, he's also twice as fucking crazy. Nolan, his breathy English lady companion and a few other hired hands follow the orca into an icy death trap of a place.


 
This seems like a nice place to die... er- do battle with a whale. Whatever.



As if the ability to wreck a whole house wasn't impressive enough, the orca pushes an ENTIRE ICEBERG into Nolan's boat. He and Dr. Bedford (breathy English woman) each somehow make it onto the iceberg. The whale causes it to tilt, sending his nemesis, the evil Captain Nolan, into the water. The whale then proceeds to smash him and leave him to drown in his icy grave.

A helicopter comes to save Dr. Bedford. Whales are scary. The end.

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